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Sports

NFL Plans To Quarantine COVID Positive Players In Team Facilities

December 1, 2020 Arman 0

NEW YORK — In a statement on Monday, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new COVID-19 protocols in the aftermath of increased coronavirus cases […]

Op-Ed: As A Student Athlete, I Only Break Quarantine To Slap My Friend’s Ass

October 14, 2020 Connor Marshall 0

I am a proud member of the UCLA basketball team, and I respect that COVID-19 is a serious threat to the community. I would never […]

BREAKING: Friend Wants To Go Camping

October 12, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — At 8:36 am PST, Scottie Macadamia compiled a group chat with his peers proposing a weekend trip that will never […]

Huge Football Player Somehow Makes Kids’ Razor Scooter Work

January 23, 2020 Frankie Clarke 0

CERRITOS, CA — Physicists have taken to the Razor Scooter headquarters in Cerritos, California earlier this week in an attempt to study the engineering genius […]

Introducing Murry Bartow: Interim Men’s Basketball Head Coach

February 12, 2019 Drew Kreeft 0

WESTWOOD — After firing Steve Alford earlier this year following a particularly ugly start to the season for the Bruins’ men’s basketball team, the school […]

P: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season / CP: His Voice Sounds Like a Frog

December 7, 2018 Drew Kreeft 0

Point: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season by BJ Kissel It really is an easy argument to make […]

BREAKING: Chip Kelly to Retire After One Game Winning Streak

October 19, 2018 Kelly Stoudemire 0

WESTWOOD — After a grueling 46 day-long career, UCLA Head Football Coach Chip Kelly has announced his retirement. “Hey, me and the boys had a […]

Student With Den Pass Realizes They’re In For Long Year

September 8, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — Area student and Den Pass holder Kayla Parklamindi realized she was in for a long year today when the UCLA football team embarrassingly […]

Former UCLA Econ Major Forced To Settle For Entry-Level Job With Poor Health Benefits

April 27, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

PHOENIX, AZ — The Enabler recently did a profile on former UCLA economics student Joshua Rosen, who had decided to drop out of UCLA. Unfortunately, […]

Report: John Wooden Statue Sucks At Basketball

March 15, 2018 Jack Lyons 0

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