LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my darling Bella, but I quickly found out that horses and humans are supposed to take different doses,” said Ryder, gnawing on a wisp of hay. “I find two bumps of Special K in the morning to be helpful, neigh, crucial for my equestrianism. It would have definitely upped my chances back in the day against that horse whore Jessica and her weak-kneed, mule-looking, feral horse Buckeye.” At press time, Ryder was sending out “Hay girlie!” DMs to high school friends to promote her “Vitamin K” MLM.