Student Who Took Baton To Skull Not Really Feeling Up For Musicology Midterm
WESTWOOD — After last week’s tumultuous events, fourth-year communications major Jim Boon just cannot seem to rally for his midterm on The Beatles. “I can’t […]
Crime
Filthy Stinking Liar Doesn’t Actually Have To Sneeze
WESTWOOD — Local student and wretched deceiver Al Ergiess showed his true colors on Wednesday when he appeared to prepare for a sneeze that ultimately […]
Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot
WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]
Vacationing Asshole Wears Only UCLA-Branded Clothes
THE CARIBBEAN SEA — Passengers aboard their Christmas Cruise have complained about fifth-year political science major Braeodean Sho-Woff and his exorbitant UCLA-branded outfits, which include […]
Record Label Signs Hedrick Hall Shower Singer
LA LA LAND — After a scramble for one of the most sought-after, up-and-coming artists, We The Best Music Group has secured a lucrative deal […]
Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone
NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]
Hobbes Eats Calvin
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH.— Cartoonist Bill Watterson announced today that six-year-old cartoon star Calvin has been eaten by his tiger Hobbes. “Bet you thought my anthropomorphism […]
Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict
LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]
Scooter Reaches Mach 5 Down Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD— Students were shocked this morning when student athlete Will B. Quick achieved the speed of Mach 5 scootering down Bruinwalk. “All I saw was […]