Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud
WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]
Crime
FBI Closes Homicide Investigation, Concludes That Victim Has Died
LOS ANGELES — Detective Darren Bishop provided a final investigative update earlier today on the homicide of Kevin Murphy. “Progress has been difficult. The victim […]
Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God
WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]
FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims
SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]
“He Doesn’t Bite,” Says Man About Dog Who Stabs People
CORNER BY CHICK-FIL-A — Area man Brad Perez confirmed this week that while his dog Brutus does not bite people, he does stab them. “Of […]
LAPD Finds All Suspects Of Murder Case In Break Room
LOS ANGELES — In what must have been either a stroke of luck or an eerie coincidence, the Los Angeles Police Department discovered every suspect […]
StockX Now Selling Insulin
DETROIT — The popular reselling website StockX has now added insulin to its vast catalog in what internet scalpers are calling the “sugar rush.” “My […]
Seven Deadly Sins Revised To Include Not Refilling The Brita
VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
Grizzled Detective Still Waiting for Wife to Be Murdered
NEW YORK CITY — Veteran homicide detective Rick Gruff expressed concerns Sunday that his wife of twenty years is still alive and well. “I’ve made […]