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Crime

Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud

June 10, 2022 Harry Song 0

WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]

FBI Closes Homicide Investigation, Concludes That Victim Has Died

June 8, 2022 Uma Patil 0

LOS ANGELES — Detective Darren Bishop provided a final investigative update earlier today on the homicide of Kevin Murphy. “Progress has been difficult. The victim […]

Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God

May 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]

FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims

May 28, 2022 Serena Lee 0

SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]

“He Doesn’t Bite,” Says Man About Dog Who Stabs People

May 20, 2022 Amariyah Lane-Volz 0

CORNER BY CHICK-FIL-A — Area man Brad Perez confirmed this week that while his dog Brutus does not bite people, he does stab them. “Of […]

LAPD Finds All Suspects Of Murder Case In Break Room

March 4, 2022 Max Flora 0

LOS ANGELES — In what must have been either a stroke of luck or an eerie coincidence, the Los Angeles Police Department discovered every suspect […]

StockX Now Selling Insulin

February 7, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

DETROIT — The popular reselling website StockX has now added insulin to its vast catalog in what internet scalpers are calling the “sugar rush.” “My […]

Seven Deadly Sins Revised To Include Not Refilling The Brita

January 19, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. […]

2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022

January 7, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]

A grizzled detective with a beige coat, magnifying glass, mustache, and brown fedora appears against a white background, looking for his next clue. Behind him is his wife, a beautiful black woman with a white shirt and hoop earrings, whose smile could light up a room.

Grizzled Detective Still Waiting for Wife to Be Murdered

December 11, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

NEW YORK CITY — Veteran homicide detective Rick Gruff expressed concerns Sunday that his wife of twenty years is still alive and well. “I’ve made […]

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