Scooter Reaches Mach 5 Down Bruinwalk

WESTWOOD— Students were shocked this morning when student athlete Will B. Quick achieved the speed of Mach 5 scootering down Bruinwalk. “All I saw was a Will-shaped cloud of dust after a couple of sonic booms,” said David Lew, a bystander whose sandwich had been cartoonishly blown out of his hands following the incident. “An entire a cappella group got knocked down like bowling pins. Shit’s tragic.” At press time, the trail of flames Quick left behind him jumped the 405 and started a small forest fire.