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National

Brendon Urie Files For Divorce From Brendon Urie

January 30, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

LOS ANGELES— Brendon Urie, lead singer and only remaining member of the former pop-rock band Panic! At The Disco, has announced that he will be […]

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies

January 4, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]

Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar Spotted On Nevada Border

December 29, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

BORDER TOWN, NEVADA — A rogue Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar, believed to be the sole survivor of the California flavored tobacco ban, was seen […]

UCLA’s Final Offer: Replace All TAs With This Cute Widdle Guy

December 14, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — In a bold move, UCLA officials have announced plans to fire all teaching assistants and replace them with Mr. Pudding. “We are always […]

Nationwide Adderall Shortage Causes Lack Of Focus On Producing More Adderall

November 29, 2022 Evan O’Brien 0

TEL AVIV — In the midst of a nationwide Adderall shortage, procrastinating college students and people with ADHD are demanding increased production of the amphetamine, […]

Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall

November 27, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]

Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix

November 26, 2022 Dana Badii 0

LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]

Despondent Dr. Oz Seen Wandering Crudité Aisle In Fugue State

November 10, 2022 Dylan Wood 0

BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless […]

Opinion: Midterm Exams This, Midterm Elections That, I Just Wanna Grill For Godsakes!

November 8, 2022 Dennis 0

Every so often the two most mid (as the kids say) things alive, exams and elections, somehow line up in November. People start freaking out […]

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