Area Man Doesn’t Skate, Dies
LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, area man John Thacher dropped dead moments after his condemnation of skateboards, not taking heed of the ramifications indicated by the […]
National
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]
Study: The Average Person Has Eight Spiders Crawl Into Their Mouth During Sex Every Single Year
RICHMOND, VA — A recent study commissioned by the American Arachnological Society (AAS) confirmed that an average of eight spiders crawl into a person’s mouth […]
Bill Clinton to Star in His Own Celebrity Porn Parody
NEW YORK — Former President Bill Clinton’s public relations representative announced this morning that he will be playing the star role in his own […]
Breaking: Netflix To Release New Original Series Set in the Eighties
LOS ANGELES — Popular streaming program Netflix has announced its new original project set in the Eighties. Showrunners Joseph and Joe Reiner expressed their […]
P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]
Area Woman Slowly Decaying into Offbeat Wes Anderson Character
PORTLAND, OR — Close friends and family of area woman Ella Hartley report that Hartley’s personality has seemed to gradually dwindle into an amalgamation […]
Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child
WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]
A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky
LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]