Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”
EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]
National
Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards
NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]
Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”
WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]
Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives
PLAINS, GEORGIA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]
Report: Uber Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations
WESTWOOD — A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers can hear your […]
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Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]
Rotting Mound Of Marine Life Newest SeaWorld Attraction
SAN DIEGO — SeaWorld sparked nationwide buzz last Friday after announcing that they would be unveiling a massive, festering mound of sea creatures choking on […]
Report: Rideshare Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations
WESTWOOD ― A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers and Lyfts are […]
New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable
TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]