TALLAHASSEE — Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill today banning all speech in public school classrooms, on the grounds that it could contain content about race, gender, or sexuality. “Despite previous bans on these topics, we realized that teachers were still at risk of speaking words implying that they’re people too,” declared DeSantis, who sends his children to private school. “We have great confidence that this new teaching model—which consists solely of pointing and blinking—will allow students to focus on learning the important stuff, like which politicians their parents should vote for.” At press time, DeSantis was considering a bill to prevent self-expression in schools by banning all clothing.
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Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.