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Anti-Vaccination Epidemic Cured By Measles

ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for the past 17 years has been completely eradicated by measles. Anti-vaccination illness – the report-borne disease which first spread across the pond to the US from British patient zero, Andrew…

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Suicide Hotline Worker Gears Up For Valentine’s Day

"Thank you for calling 1-800-End It All, this call may be recorded for training purposes..."

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Julius Camus, a veteran crisis counselor at the national suicide hotline’s call center in Austin, is getting ready for the busiest day of the year. Sitting in his cubicle in between calls from people on the brink of ending their lives, Julius speaks frankly about his job. “Yeah, I’ve been working here…

Classes Canceled Due To National Give-A-Fuck Shortage

LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced that a nation-wide fucks shortage has caused the cancellation of over 7,000 courses indefinitely. While there was an expectation of outrage being expressed by the incredibly inconvenienced student bodies in…

Foolish Humans Elect New Leader Based On Beauty, Charisma

As is Earth custom, Vega received her crown whilst sparing her vanquished foes. Source: Latin Times

MIAMI— In an event televised across the galactic quadrant, the humans of Earth have chosen from among their flock a new “Miss Universe” to reign over all of mankind for the next solar cycle. The contestant, who chooses to be called “Paulina Vega”, is 22 years of age, a resident of the Earth nation known…

Republicans Criticize State Of The Union As Abuse Of Executive Power

Numerous amendments to the speech were rejected by the Obama administration.

WASHINGTON, DC—Claiming vast overreaches in executive power, Republican leaders came out in criticism of president Obama today after his delivering of an unapproved State of the Union address. “We have tried to work with the president on this time and time again, but sadly he refused all our suggestions,” said speaker John Boehner, referring to…

U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson has called for a unilateral intervention mission for the more sexually oppressed provinces in the area. “The American ideals of freedom and liberty are universal ideals, ideals which should not…

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