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Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union

Absentee father Kyle Carpenter weighed in on the Brexit decision.

LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone can be a man, but it takes a dad who abandoned his own family to realize this is a great decision for the UK,” said Kyle Carpenter, who left his…

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Christ Returns, Forgot Some Stuff In Capernaum

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ISRAEL—Jesus Christ, the inspiration for the Christian faith, will take the next couple of days to collect a pair of sheepskin moccasins and a favorite sweater he left in the Jewish fishing village of Capernaum. “I finally had some time on my hands so I thought I would swing down and pick up a few…

Philosophy Student Would Descend Into Nihilistic Hedonism If He Could Get Laid

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WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony Bradley reported that he would definitely resort to nihilistic hedonism as a lifestyle if he were capable of getting laid. “I find the idea pretty attractive,” Bradley said. “Living solely…

Sleeping Classmate’s Nose Almost Touches Chest

WESTWOOD—Fourth-year Economics major Judy Caplin reported that her sleeping classmate’s nose had almost touched his chest during a philosophy lecture early Tuesday morning. “He was sitting right next to me and I saw him fall asleep around ten minutes into class—I really thought it was possible,” said Caplin, adding that the primary obstacle to contact…

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