Senior Scholar Dies
WESTWOOD — 84-year-old second-year political science major Ingrid Miller, known by her fellow political science students as a recurring “senior scholar,” died midway through an […]
Target Pushes Further Into Ralphs’ Territory, War Imminent
WESTWOOD — With the annexation of the shared stairwell, Target has pushed further into Ralphs’ territory, which experts believe will surely result in a formal […]
Student Swamped With Work Watches Three Episodes of “Friends”
WESTWOOD — Craig Hillsdale, a fourth-year political science student, is enrolled in four classes that are all holding final exams in the following three days. […]
SCAND 50 Professor Starting To Get Suspicious
WESTWOOD — UCLA professor Teresa Andersen is reportedly getting suspicious about the consistent school-wide enthusiasm for her course, Scandinavian 50. “Well, yeah, I do think it’s […]
Area Man Doesn’t Skate, Dies
LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, area man John Thacher dropped dead moments after his condemnation of skateboards, not taking heed of the ramifications indicated by the […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Student Wishes More Than Anything He Did Provolone Instead Of Mozzarella
WESTWOOD — Just a few minutes after ordering Mozzarella on his gourmet sandwich from The Study, first-year Hill resident Ben Larson realized his blunder. […]
Life Hack: Attract Students To Your Study Group By Asking What Their Skeleton Looks Like
If you’re looking for members to make a study group, there’s no method more tried and true than approaching students in your class and […]
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]
Wario Opens Up About Struggle With Obesity
My name is Wario. I have been blessed to be a team member in the Nintendo franchise for 27 years, serving as a foil to […]