News

Local Asshole Plans “Edgy” Halloween Costume

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LOS ANGELES—Drawing on a combination of recent tragedies and sensitive topics, area man Eric Silva announced Sunday that his Halloween costume will serve as the perfect opportunity to showcase his uniquely subversive, no-holds-barred sense of humor. “Oh man, I’m so going to hell for this, right?” Silva said, carefully tracing outlines of the Ebola virus…

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Addition Of New “History of Blowjobs” Class Causes Widespread Controversy

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WESTWOOD—Amidst a steadily increasing tide of budget cuts, many students and faculty members have been left wondering what the future of their departments will be. Over 112 different courses have been struck from the register since 2010, begging the question, “If cutbacks continue at this rate, will there be any University of California Los Angeles left…

Bruin Café Introduces 3 a.m. “Hate Yourself” Meal Period

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WESTWOOD—In an effort to better accommodate the eating habits of the typical college student, Bruin Café has added a new “Hate Yourself” dining period to their hours of operation. For one swipe, students can choose from a variety of take-out meals including an entire tub of ice cream, pasta sauce straight out of a jar,…

University Of California Divests From Self

UC leaders announce their decision to divest from the University of California (Source: Associated Press)

OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board of regents announced plans today to pull funding from the University of California system. Funding from a wide array of sources, including corporate holdings in the coal industry as well…

Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities

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WESTWOOD—”I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the activities. “But it wasn’t what I was expecting,” Offshore explained. “There were so many activities – writing, singing, math, science, even some shitty satirical newspaper. But none were enormous.”…

Opinion

The Enabler Asks You: Bcaf’s New Turkey Sandwich

A petition to bring back Bcaf’s old turkey sandwich recipe has gained nearly 400 supporters. Though the original sandwich was criticized for its high sodium content, many students are not pleased by the restaurant’s re-imagining of what was once their most popular item. Here’s what some of our readers think.

A&E

A Song Of Ice And Fire Spoils Game Of Thrones

Already-published novels are set to be burnt in friendly book burnings featuring GoT cosplay.

HOLLYWOOD – Epic fantasy scholars have recently discovered that the best-selling book series A Song of Ice and Fire contains major spoilers for the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Upon reading the book series as part of a seminar designed for professors, some “Game of Thrones” fans among the professors noticed the series contained…