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Opinion: I Can’t Believe It’s Already Week 9

January 27, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

Wow, can you believe it’s almost the end of the quarter? Time sure does fly! It feels like the first day of school was just […]

Starship Vows To Be More Assertive This Year

January 24, 2023 Meghan Mason 0

WESTWOOD — Starship Number 38, known around the charging stations as Bernard, resolves to be more assertive as he rolls through the UCLA campus in […]

Loser Plays As Mario In MarioKart

January 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

MUSHROOM KINGDOM— Area dude Brad McIntyre bored gamers everywhere Tuesday when he chose Mario as his racing character in the hit Nintendo game MarioKart. “I […]

What a Deal! This Student Just Got a Free Virus With Her Pirated Textbook

January 21, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year Computer Science major Nerdiea Lert was delighted this Thursday to find a complementary virus attached to her free Calculus I textbook that […]

Radical Ally? This Student Just Said “Gracias” Instead of Thank You To A Rende West Worker

January 20, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Second year Business Economics and Psychology double major Kayeighleighy White was celebrated with a round of applause for saying “gracias” to a Rende […]

Fire Alarm Forces Boelter Residents To Encounter Sunlight

January 18, 2023 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — Herds of STEM students, also known by their Latin name nerdicus uclai, were found in direct sunlight today after a fire in Boelter […]

“Say It Ain’t Saur:” Weezer Embarks On Australian Tour

January 18, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

SYDNEY — The American rock band Weezer has just announced their upcoming tour, titled “Say It Ain’t Saur: Australiaur 2023.” “We’ve translated all of our […]

Local Hero At Kerckhoff Watching Everyone’s Stuff

January 18, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year economics major Joshua Wadams has been hailed as a local hero following his efforts to simultaneously look after the personal belongings of […]

Opinion: No, Your Shared Spotify Playlist With Your Ex Is Not A Subliminal Message

January 17, 2023 Hi girlie! It’s your bestie. You missed my last 47 texts, but I’m telling you: you CANNOT get back together with your shitty ex! 0

I know what it’s like to go through a break up. I understand the urge to read into their every Instagram like and Bitmoji location […]

Prince Harry Apologizes For Accidentally Publishing Dream Diary

January 13, 2023 Dana Badii 0

SANTA BARBARA — Prince Harry held a press conference outside of his estate this morning to clarify his remarks in his new memoir, “Spare.” “I […]

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  • Prince Harry Apologizes For Accidentally Publishing Dream Diary

    SANTA BARBARA — Prince Harry held a press conference outside of his estate this morning to clarify his remarks in his new memoir, “Spare.” “I […]

  • Opinion: IBS Isn’t Hot Because Diarrhea Is Gross, Actually

    Have you heard about how hot girls have IBS? How all the hottest girls are on a low FODMAP diet and can’t look at a […]

  • 7 Reasons To Stop Bitching About The Rain

    I get it. You’re a spoiled Californian who has never experienced “seasons” or the minor inconvenience known as rain. Well, quit your whining. I happen […]

  • Wuss Uses Umbrella In Thunderstorm

    WESTWOOD — Bearing resemblance to a spoon-fed toddler, local wuss Jimmy Wetblanket was spotted using an umbrella on campus following thunderstorm warnings. “I don’t understand […]

  • Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

    WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

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