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Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done

May 26, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]

Dog In Hiding After Owner Plays “Dog Days Are Over”

May 25, 2022 Billie Chang 0

WESTWOOD — Late Monday morning, 10-year-old French bulldog Missy was found by park-goers hiding in a makeshift bunker after her owner played Florence and the […]

Student Has A Blast At Virtual Study Abroad

May 24, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — Due to the pandemic, second-year linguistics student Dan Gene-Attell willingly paid $20,000 to take online classes from Barcelona, Spain while remaining in his […]

Point: That’s A Cute Shirt / Counterpoint: Not With Your Boobs

May 23, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

P: That’s a cute shirt. By: Melissa Beining It’s everywhere. It follows. It can’t be categorized, yet it’s instantly recognizable. It’s inexplicable—yet, undeniable, too. Every […]

Feel Old Yet? The Universe Was Created 8,000 Years Ago

May 21, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

OMAHA — Scientists discovered Thursday that the universe was created 8,000 years ago. “Feel old yet? God, that’s such a long time,” said chief astrophysicist […]

“He Doesn’t Bite,” Says Man About Dog Who Stabs People

May 20, 2022 Amariyah Lane-Volz 0

CORNER BY CHICK-FIL-A — Area man Brad Perez confirmed this week that while his dog Brutus does not bite people, he does stab them. “Of […]

Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up

May 19, 2022 Billie Chang 0

SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]

Hottest Spot For Grad Photos Is Sidewalk Pit Outside Of CVS

May 18, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA seniors are taking their grad photos at the hottest spot in town: the sidewalk pit outside of CVS. “In some ways, it’s […]

“It Rhymes with Schmivorce” And Four Other Ways To Break The News To Your Kids

May 17, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

It’s never easy to tell your kids that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Between the tears, the pleas for reconciliation, and a lawsuit […]

Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email

May 16, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]

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  • Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email

    WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]

  • Tom Holland To Play Timothée Chalamet In Upcoming Biopic

    HOLLYWOOD — Marvel star Tom Holland has been confirmed to play Timothée Chalamet in the highly anticipated biopic, an announcement which follows the recent casting […]

  • Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio

    WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]

  • Powell Cat Denies BBL Allegations

    WESTWOOD— Campus celebrity Powell Cat has been looking especially juicy lately, and fans allege that he has had a Brazilian Butt Lift. “It’s disappointing to […]

  • Mom Who Gave You Eating Disorder Has No Idea Why Everyone In Therapy These Days

    LOS ANGELES — On Saturday evening, your mother who definitely gave you an eating disorder announced her disbelief at the number of your friends who […]

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Lily Kiamanesh
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