News

Western Wall Grabbed By the Crevice

JERUSALEM — On May 22, one of the holiest sites of the Abrahamic religions was allegedly accosted by a visiting tourist with incredibly small hands. “When you’re the leader of the free world, they let you do anything,” bragged the man, shoving his hand into a crack of the 2,000 year-old sacred structure, also known…

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Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle

WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing the role of “Daddy,” engaged in a horrific custody battle over Tatiana Fresno, playing the role of “Baby.” Fifteen minutes into recess, Katz and Quon’s marriage was in shambles due…

Selfless Area Woman Looks At Friends In Group Picture Too

LOS ANGELES, CA—Area woman Nicole Robinson always makes sure to look at her friends’ faces in a group picture, because that’s how her mother raised her. “I just can’t sleep at night not knowing if Becky, Amber or Sarah’s faces came out greasy on flash,” Robinson stated as she scrolled through the hundreds of photos…

Sociology Student Solves Racism In Four-Page Paper

WESTWOOD–In an act of true nobility, first-year sociology student Molly Rupert successfully ended racism in America with a four-page essay. “At first I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fill four pages,” Rupert said, still sweating from her heart-pounding race to reach Turnitin.com before midnight. “Luckily, it only took about an hour for…

Golden Key Honor Society Deadline Approaching

WESTWOOD–Sources have confirmed that the deadline for the Golden Key Honor Society, who warns you of its upcoming deadline every couple of weeks, is rapidly approaching. “Yeah, the deadline must be coming up, so I, uh… I guess I better get on that,” said sophomore Rachel Giovanni, who receives constant emails from the Golden Key…

Opinion

I Never Fucking Agreed To This

Get the fuck away from me. I’m a cat. A black cat. Humans aren’t supposed to get near us, let alone fucking touch us. I stumbled across this big ass building one day and got fed every day, so I stayed. I stayed for the fucking food. But I never fucking agreed to this touchy-feely…