CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of…
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC—Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources…
Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene…
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be…
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES—The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area…
Friends Who Like Same Boy Comforted By Fact That Neither One Has A Chance
WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized…
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER—Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks…
Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks
BALTIMORE—A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into…
Dining Hall Employee Getting Really Tired Of Your Shit
WESTWOOD—After multiple claims that she was getting frustrated with patrons stealing things, sneaking in, and generally causing a ruckus, dining…
Rendezvous DJ To Receive Lifetime Achievement Award
WESTWOOD—After years of fruitless nominations, the popular DJ of UCLA students’ favorite dining facility, Rendezvous, is finally set to receive…