News

University Of California Divests From Self

UC leaders announce their decision to divest from the University of California (Source: Associated Press)

OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board of regents announced plans today to pull funding from the University of California system. Funding from a wide array of sources, including corporate holdings in the coal industry as well…

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Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities

UCLA students participating in an activity.

WESTWOOD—”I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the activities. “But it wasn’t what I was expecting,” Offshore explained. “There were so many activities – writing, singing, math, science, even some shitty satirical newspaper. But none were enormous.”…

Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day

Several proposed policies involve removing the sun entirely.

WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the federal government will be extending its drastic cuts to the number of a daylight hours in a day effective throughout the fall season. “America can no longer support such a…

Campus Wet

Source: Twitter, @UCLA_Nation

WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they had to dry. Sources indicate that the water came out of the ground and went on all sorts of different stuff, causing stairs to be wet, trashcans, as well as…

‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors

All victims have now safely returned to their families.

WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of 17 individuals trapped inside the sinkhole commonly referred to as the “inverted fountain”. With the help of a crane, drills, and trained rescue canines, the alumni who had been trapped for…

Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record

Kiprop previously competed in competitive clothed runs.

WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance in UCLA’s 12th annual Undie Run. Skipping under Spaulding field and through Wilson plaza with ease, the Kenya native and World Championship-winning middle distance runner recorded a time of 3:57.21…

Opinion

The Enabler Asks You: Bcaf’s New Turkey Sandwich

A petition to bring back Bcaf’s old turkey sandwich recipe has gained nearly 400 supporters. Though the original sandwich was criticized for its high sodium content, many students are not pleased by the restaurant’s re-imagining of what was once their most popular item. Here’s what some of our readers think.

A&E

A Song Of Ice And Fire Spoils Game Of Thrones

Already-published novels are set to be burnt in friendly book burnings featuring GoT cosplay.

HOLLYWOOD – Epic fantasy scholars have recently discovered that the best-selling book series A Song of Ice and Fire contains major spoilers for the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Upon reading the book series as part of a seminar designed for professors, some “Game of Thrones” fans among the professors noticed the series contained…