News

Unmarried Gay Man Braces Himself For Increased Pressure From Family

Dominguez often lets his parent's calls go to voicemail.

WEST HOLLYWOOD—Following the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the United States, local single gay man Brian Dominguez is reportedly preparing himself for a drastic increase in his parents’ impatient questions, passive-aggressive texts, and general meddling regarding his marital status. “Well shit, there goes my last excuse,” said Dominguez about the Supreme Court’s decision. “Look, I’m…

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Nation Congratulates Gay Friend

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UNITED STATES—In light of the Supreme Court’s historic decision legalizing same-sex marriage, citizens across the Nation turned to their gay friend via Facebook message today to congratulate them. “We are all so happy for our gay friend. They have gone through so much and deserve to be treated equally,” said the Nation, noting that although they haven’t…

Douchebag Met At Frat Party

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WESTWOOD—Christie Temple, first year student at UCLA, expressed vocal surprise regarding an encounter she had with a douchebag at a fraternity party last Thursday. “He was totally creeping on me and trying to grab my ass,” Temple said, noting that although she had heard of the occasional douchebag at a party filled with drunken nineteen…

Martial Arts Club Member Fires Energy Blast

WESTWOOD—Second Year Dylan Thomas, member of UCLA’s Fighting Foot martial arts club, shocked and amazed fellow club members by unleashing an energy blast from his hands during routine warm-ups yesterday. “In Kung-Fu, we train by visualizing a metaphorical life force called Chi that flows through our bodies, and imagine manipulating it like water with various…

On-Campus Residents Demand More Spaces For Sitting Alone, Sobbing Quietly

WESTWOOD—In a new petition that has been gaining traction this week, Hill residents are looking to increase the number of spaces currently allocated for sitting alone and sobbing quietly. Since going live Monday, nearly 6,000 individuals, including residents, RAs, and other housing officials have signed the petition that would double the number of spaces appropriated for…

Candlelight Vigil Held To Commemerate Lack Of Poon

WESTWOOD – Students at UCLA prepare to weep in solidarity at the overwhelming lack of poon. This weekend a vigil will be held on campus outside Royce steps to commemorate the tail that students have not been getting. “It’s a very serious issue,” reported Robert Jimenez, president of the Get Some Society (GSS). “We want…

Opinion

POINT: Walk Your Fucking Wheels / COUNTERPOINT: *Whoosh*

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Point Walk Your Fucking Wheels! By: Ryan Singh Hey! Watch it, asshole! You almost hit me! Can’t you read the signs?! This is a dismount zone! Pedestrians have priority! You think you’re hot shit weaving through the crowd like that? Well here’s some news for you, pal! You’re not! You’re just being an inconsiderate prick!…

A&E

Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang karaoke over his winter break. According to reports, in addition to the karaoke offense, the student auditioned for the school’s spring musical production, Twinkle Towne, and may have feelings for…