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Supreme Playground Court Upholds 5 Second Rule

TOPEKA, KS— In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Playground Court of Smileyvale Elementary School ruled that the “Five Second Rule” was constitutional. “We really hadn’t seen a case like this since Brown,” commented Associate Justice Viola Martin, while waiting by the front curb with her carpool group after the school day had ended. “But…

Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi

WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable internet service. “The poor Wi-Fi connection in this place is honestly kind of triggering,” Smith said, sitting in a dimly lit room in the basement of Ackerman Union which the…

Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy

Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s coal industry by filling his voters’ stockings with coal. “Santa is a good friend of mine. Terrific man, I’ve known him for many years,” said Trump in a Christmas address…

God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction

THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we were all on the same page here?” the Divine Creator pondered, after reading a long-winded post about how much of a progressive icon Castro allegedly was. “We’re talking about the…

Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass

WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival Dr. Ben Carson to remove the stick that vice president-elect Mike Pence has had chronically lodged up his ass. “Mike is a great, great man. Terrific. But I do worry…

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