News

‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors

All victims have now safely returned to their families.

WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of 17 individuals trapped inside the sinkhole commonly referred to as the “inverted fountain”. With the help of a crane, drills, and trained rescue canines, the alumni who had been trapped for…

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Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record

Kiprop previously competed in competitive clothed runs.

WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance in UCLA’s 12th annual Undie Run. Skipping under Spaulding field and through Wilson plaza with ease, the Kenya native and World Championship-winning middle distance runner recorded a time of 3:57.21…

Ashe Center Doctor Diagnoses Patient as “Sick”

ashe center

WESTWOOD—Earlier today, the Westwood Enabler received confirmation that a doctor working in the Ashe Center had diagnosed a student as being “sick.” According to reports, the patient stumbled into the waiting room at about 2:34 PM with slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and severe tremors across his body. When asked if he had an appointment, he…

Kinky Lab Rat Likes Being Abused

Wistar_rat

SEATTLE—Upon noting a spike in the serotonin levels of test subject 110021a, nicknamed “Alfred”, scientists at the Bryer National Laboratory concluded that the rodent actually took pleasure in several experiments normally expected to cause pain. Tests including labyrinth runs, random beatings, as well as ingestion of multiple pharmaceutical drugs at once were run in shortly…

Opinion

Murmurs & Rants: Dude, Where’s My Holiday?

I am an angry Korean-American, and let me tell you why. May 5th is not actually Cinco de Mayo. It’s Children’s Day, bitch. Okay, it’s Cinco de Mayo too, but I can guarantee you almost no one knows why it’s celebrated. Especially not my family. (Hint: Cinco de Mayo is not actually Mexico’s Independence Day.…

A&E

A Song Of Ice And Fire Spoils Game Of Thrones

HOLLYWOOD – Epic fantasy scholars have recently discovered that the best-selling book series A Song of Ice and Fire contains major spoilers for the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Upon reading the book series as part of a seminar designed for professors, some “Game of Thrones” fans among the professors noticed the series contained…