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Local Man’s Life Transformed By Religious Bumper Sticker

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LOS ANGELES—After having lived a life completely unmolested by the truth of organized religion, 43 year old lawyer Toby Gilson’s life was completely transformed last Friday by a chance encounter with the powerful symbol of Christian faith, the hollow fish—known worldwide for its high spiritual and low mercury content. “I was speechless—I saw the fish,…

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Local Mom Pays Mechanical Pony To Babysit While She Shops

BRENTWOOD—According to local reports, a young mother was seen last Sunday afternoon at a local Whole Foods Market shopping with her son. Instead of bringing him inside, however, the mother allegedly placed him on a mechanical pony, paid 50 cents, and left. Onlookers were confused by the sight of the boy having fun alone on…

Business Student Discovers God, Exploits Him For Resources

WESTWOOD—Crediting a near-death experience that brought him into the arms of the Almighty, Anderson School of Business student James Gunn announced new plans to tap into some of the unexplored economic potential of the spiritual world. “There are millions of people dying every day, so I’m sure the angels could use some more help. I…

4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks

Librarians weren't even sure some of these books existed.

WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou Kim made a discovery which nearly outweighed the gravitas of the paper: the bodies of four UCLA students, ages 18-20, and one janitor, age unimportant, were discovered entombed deep within…

Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together

Parkour Club attempting to do something needlessly dangerous.

WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that the distance between all campus structures be minimized. “As it stands, there are not many places on campus where we can pull off really sick flips,” said club president Megan…

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