Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]
Male Scientists Close To Discovering Clitoris’ Location
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that a highly qualified team of male scientists tasked with detailing the […]
Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives
PLAINS, GEORGIA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]
Op-Ed: Jimmy Carter Is Dead
Let me be the first to say it. I’m happy to be the voice for the voiceless. After many hours of contemplation and meditation on […]
Recent Graduate Gets Dream Job At Firm
WESTWOOD — Recently graduated business-economics major Blake Gordon has accepted his “dream job” with The McGerald Corporation, a big firm that performs consulting and auditing […]
Report: Uber Drivers Can Hear Your Conversations, Are Sentient Beings
WESTWOOD — A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers can hear your […]
Study: Schrodinger’s Cat Feels Dead and Alive, Experts Diagnose Depression
BERLIN — In a groundbreaking study, a coalition of physicists and mental health experts have designated the simultaneous dead and alive condition of Schrodinger’s Cat […]
Freshman Admit Has Highest SAT Score In Orientation Group
WESTWOOD — Derek Bowman, an incoming UCLA first year, excitedly announced that after sneaking peeks at his fellow admits’ class planners, he discovered he had […]
Area Man Feels Conflicted After Binge Eating Entire Family
BRATTLEBORO, VT — Area man Chuck Childs expressed disappointment with himself after admitting that binge eating his entire family Tuesday night was a major setback […]
Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]