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South Campus Runs Military Training Exercises Near North Campus Border

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WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on Saturday. “South Campus has always represented peace and we have great respect for North Campus, even if they’re not as smart as we are,” said Computer Science major and leading…

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Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang karaoke over his winter break. According to reports, in addition to the karaoke offense, the student auditioned for the school’s spring musical production, Twinkle Towne, and may have feelings for…

Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot

SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing together of excess fat. “Through an extensive series of tests involving the prolonged squeezing and compressing of fat, my colleagues and I have discovered the process responsible for the conversion…

Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’

WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. “When you look around this campus, what do you see? An environment that cultivates learning and ambition? A generation of people excited to claim their places as innovators and entrepreneurs…

U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass

WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to some metrics from the study, the United States ranks 39th in basic education and 70th in health, but tops the list in kicking some fucking ass. “By many standards the…

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Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang karaoke over his winter break. According to reports, in addition to the karaoke offense, the student auditioned for the school’s spring musical production, Twinkle Towne, and may have feelings for…