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Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus

WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los Angeles with hate slurs written in jumbo sidewalk chalk. “We have concluded that the offenders must be chauvinistic and deeply conservative individuals who are probably in need of their special…

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Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser

Hillary Clinton, pictured above.

POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday evening, which they have defended against reporters who accuse the campaign of shutting them out. “We did not intend to prohibit reporters from hearing the Secretary’s speech,” said Clinton campaign…

Panama Papers Something Something Tax Evasion

Panama_papers_sz_chat

OFFSHORE—The International Consortium of Investigative Journalists recently released a series of documents called the Panama Papers, which are almost certainly linked to tax evasion somehow. “Sounds important,” said James McFay, local adult. “It seems as though this issue is something that I should know about, and heretofore something that I should research.” Named after a…

Transgender Man Uses Bathroom, Washes Hands And Leaves

RALEIGH, NC—Transgender man Jim Hornet used a public restroom at a Chili’s in Raleigh this afternoon. “I work at an office supply company, and I was meeting a prospective client for lunch when I realized I had to pee,” said Hornet. “So, I went to the men’s room, did my business, washed my hands, and…

Study: Water Best Served Lukewarm

NEW YORK – A recent analytical study performed by New York University has revealed that water is best served at the body temperature of your friend Luke. “Luke’s a good guy, and the inside of his anus is the exact temperature at which water is tastiest,” said Dr. George Numenbach, who directed the analysis. “The…

African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water

Charles Masane offers a discount on water to lucky locals. (Picture courtesy of Erick Yeh)

UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend and this weekend only. “It’s that time of year again,” Masane said, standing in front of a brightly lit shopping center, “and in celebration of my coronation as World Emperor,…

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