News

First-Year Re-evaluates Entire Life After Receiving B+

LOS ANGELES— Upon receiving his fall grades, first year John Perff was horrified to realize that he had received a B+ in his introductory Backpack Theory class. Perff reportedly called it the most serious failure of his academic career and that it had drastic and far-reaching consequences. “This sets back my plans for the future…

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Alumnus Excited To Leave Third Part-Time Job By 2020

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LOS ANGELES—In light of LA’s recent minimum wage reform, UCLA class of 2014 alumnus Tyler Mills stated that he was excited to finally be able to afford to quit his third part-time job by the year 2020. “Thank god…. If it wasn’t for this reform, I might be forced to leave the city,” said Mills,…

Dad Steals Baby’s Nose

LOS ANGELES—Police have arrested local man Joseph Gutierrez in connection with stealing his baby’s nose. Gutierrez’s wife witnessed him playing with their son on Wednesday when Gutierrez suddenly made a lunging forward motion and abruptly stole the child’s nose.“Got your nose, kiddo! Got your nose,” Gutierrez reportedly yelled at his son. Following this physical altercation, Gutierrez then…

Loud Sound Definitely A Gunshot

WESTWOOD—Tuesday morning at approximately 3:44 AM, a loud sound that occurred somewhere within the vicinity of several residential homes was identified by members of the community as a gunshot. “Jesus, man. That had to be a gunshot,” stated resident Carol Baldwin, who was sleeping in her second-storey apartment when the noise woke her up. “If not, something else…

Bruins United Platform Calls For Lower Fees, Better Resources, More ‘Moments That Take Your Breath Away’

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WESTWOOD—Announcing a new, revamped platform for USAC Elections this week, Bruins United spokesman Jeff Brock emphasized the school’s need for “more moments that will take your breath away”. “Sitting on the top of Janss Steps, looking out onto the scenic landscape that is your school, grabbing your friends’ shoulders, swaying, singing ‘Hey Jude’ while still…

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Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang karaoke over his winter break. According to reports, in addition to the karaoke offense, the student auditioned for the school’s spring musical production, Twinkle Towne, and may have feelings for…