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Satirical Newspaper Shamelessly Promotes Own Bake Sale

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  WWW.WESTWOODENABLER.COM—Withholding all regard for professionalism and self-respect, satirical newspaper “The Westwood Enabler” published an article about its Valentine’s Day bake sale today, an act many have called “desperate” and “pathetic.” “We’ll be selling them on Bruin Walk on Friday the 12th, but if you order $20 or more, we’ll even deliver,” read the online…

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Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus

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LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat an entire 7-ounce tub of hummus for lunch. “I don’t want these pita chips at all. They’re just a sad, crunchy pretext – mere pawns in what can only be…

Discriminatory Grading Policy Favors Students That Work Harder

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WESTWOOD—Allegations of widespread discrimination favoring harder-working students in the University of California system arose Monday. “Not only are certain students more likely to get higher grades by putting greater effort into each assignment, but those same students also absorb more information than their motivationally-vacant peers,” claimed Steven McGavers, a former History 1B teaching assistant. “Students…

Local Motorist Turns Left NOW!

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WESTWOOD—After several moments of deep, pensive internal debate, local woman Ann Campbell has decided that right now, with a red light and several pedestrians blocking her path, is the best time to make the left turn from Sunset to Veteran Ave. “I did a simple cost-benefit analysis in my head,” said Campbell, in between sips…

Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music

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LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman used her Shazam app to purchase nineteen tracks from the DMV’s music library. “From the sweet melodies of the tenor sax in the track ‘Neo-Bop Noodlin’ to the slightly different,…

Historians Uncover Plato’s “About The Author”

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ATHENS, GREECE—Historians identified an original copy of Plato’s self-drafted “About the Author” on Thursday that provides an intimate glimpse into the late philosopher’s personal life. For over 2000 years, rumors of its sensational content have been documented in nearly every Western society, and experts were thrilled to confirm that it was uncovered in what appears…

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