Harvey Weinstein Running For President
LOS ANGELES — Amid a flurry of sexual assault allegations, former producer Harvey Weinstein has announced he is running for…
All Our Good Guys With Guns Pretty Busy Last Night, NRA Says
LAS VEGAS, NV — After the deadliest mass shooting in American history occurred during a concert in Las Vegas, the…
BREAKING NEWS: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore…
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of…
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC—Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources…
Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene…
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be…
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES—The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area…
Friends Who Like Same Boy Comforted By Fact That Neither One Has A Chance
WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized…
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER—Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks…