Foolish Humans Elect New Leader Based On Beauty, Charisma

As is Earth custom, Vega received her crown whilst sparing her vanquished foes. Source: Latin Times

MIAMI— In an event televised across the galactic quadrant, the humans of Earth have chosen from among their flock a new “Miss Universe” to reign over all of mankind for the next solar cycle. The contestant, who chooses to be called “Paulina Vega”, is 22 years of age, a resident of the Earth nation known…

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Republicans Criticize State Of The Union As Abuse Of Executive Power

Numerous amendments to the speech were rejected by the Obama administration.

WASHINGTON, DC—Claiming vast overreaches in executive power, Republican leaders came out in criticism of president Obama today after his delivering of an unapproved State of the Union address. “We have tried to work with the president on this time and time again, but sadly he refused all our suggestions,” said speaker John Boehner, referring to…

Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku

WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. This statistic, though, is nothing new to Daily Bruin staff. “The Daily Bruin is a free newspaper, so our revenue and livelihood as a paper are completely dependent on advertisement…

Nation Relieved That Issues Of 2014 No Longer Matter


THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of 2014 are now officially irrelevant. “Man, the whole Ferguson issue was really starting to get me down,” said Jacob Whittier, a Chicago attorney who started no fewer than 60 Facebook…

North Korea Launches Full-Scale Metaphorical Assault On United States

Never before have North Korea's missiles been described in such detail.

PYONGYANG—Claiming vast amounts of rhetorical power as well as the idea of a massive army, North Korean officials announced plans today to metaphorically annihilate the entire western seaboard of the United States in a statement released to several major media outlets. The revelation comes in the midst of Sony’s decision to move forward on a…