News

More News Headlines

TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students

WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these days. I doubt they understand the basics, and I believe in equality so I want to help out. I know the girls in my classes are all chemistry or biochemistry…

Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba

LOS ANGELES—The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. “I tried picking out some of the meatier bits with a screwdriver, but she’s really clogging this thing up,” Ordonez said, taking apart her Roomba next to an empty cage on the…

Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate

DENVER—Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an act of self-love or self-hate. “All I really know at this point is that I definitely do it for me. It’s valuable time with just me and my body. But I…

Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks

BALTIMORE—A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings show that a routine ultrasound can detect spiritual energy emanating from fetal chakras at just ten weeks,” stated Dr. Caleb Morton, one of the lead researchers on the study. “While the third…

Opinion

Op-Ed: So Help Me God, There Will be A Canyon In Sunset Canyon Recreation Center By The Time I Graduate

UCLA has a serious problem with misleading its students. It starts when you get all those pamphlets and brochures in the mail before you even apply to school. We all remember the empty promises they made—things like “It’s sunny all the time!” even though it rains occasionally, or “there’s a club for everyone!” even though…