News

Campus Wet

Source: Twitter, @UCLA_Nation

WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they had to dry. Sources indicate that the water came out of the ground and went on all sorts of different stuff, causing stairs to be wet, trashcans, as well as…

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‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors

All victims have now safely returned to their families.

WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of 17 individuals trapped inside the sinkhole commonly referred to as the “inverted fountain”. With the help of a crane, drills, and trained rescue canines, the alumni who had been trapped for…

Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record

Kiprop previously competed in competitive clothed runs.

WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance in UCLA’s 12th annual Undie Run. Skipping under Spaulding field and through Wilson plaza with ease, the Kenya native and World Championship-winning middle distance runner recorded a time of 3:57.21…

Ashe Center Doctor Diagnoses Patient as “Sick”

ashe center

WESTWOOD—Earlier today, the Westwood Enabler received confirmation that a doctor working in the Ashe Center had diagnosed a student as being “sick.” According to reports, the patient stumbled into the waiting room at about 2:34 PM with slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and severe tremors across his body. When asked if he had an appointment, he…

Opinion

A&E

A Song Of Ice And Fire Spoils Game Of Thrones

HOLLYWOOD – Epic fantasy scholars have recently discovered that the best-selling book series A Song of Ice and Fire contains major spoilers for the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Upon reading the book series as part of a seminar designed for professors, some “Game of Thrones” fans among the professors noticed the series contained…