BREAKING: The Hat Man Is Coming For You
YOUR LOCATION — He can see you. Run.
Articles by Harry Song
UCLA Unveils New “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” Meal Plan
WESTWOOD — UCLA Dining announced its new “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” meal plan Thursday, which permits students to consume the dirt on campus. “If […]
Opinion: Bring Back Plastic Straws Because I Hate Turtles And Want To Kill Them
Ever since California introduced paper straws in 2019, I have been unable to harm turtle populations at my previous capacity. Back when plastic straws were […]
POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women
SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]
Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud
WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]
Tom Holland To Play Timothée Chalamet In Upcoming Biopic
HOLLYWOOD — Marvel star Tom Holland has been confirmed to play Timothée Chalamet in the highly anticipated biopic, an announcement which follows the recent casting […]