Opinion: Bring Back Plastic Straws Because I Hate Turtles And Want To Kill Them

Ever since California introduced paper straws in 2019, I have been unable to harm turtle populations at my previous capacity. Back when plastic straws were still readily available, I was poisoning two sea turtles a week (according to my rough calculations). I’ve been actively consuming twice as much plastic to kill those little green fuckers, but it’s just not the same.

And don’t give me any of that environment shit. Saving our oceans blah blah blah, 10 million pounds of pollution wah wah wah. I will rain shit and fury all over those cowardly shelled bastards and make them wish their absent mother never birthed them onto my beaches. The tides won’t save them. Their god won’t shelter them. I am their God. And, finally, by bringing back plastic straws, we can protect our trees and save this planet together—one step at a time.

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About Harry Song 5 Articles
Harry Song is a mild-mannered economics student by day and a vengeful satire superhero by night. Locked in an eternal war with his archenemy the Moper, Song fights a crusade to bring justice in the name of all things silly.