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Health

Opinion: IBS Isn’t Hot Because Diarrhea Is Gross, Actually

January 11, 2023 A Concerned Citizen 0

Have you heard about how hot girls have IBS? How all the hottest girls are on a low FODMAP diet and can’t look at a […]

7 Reasons To Stop Bitching About The Rain

January 10, 2023 Serena Lee 0

I get it. You’re a spoiled Californian who has never experienced “seasons” or the minor inconvenience known as rain. Well, quit your whining. I happen […]

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

Exhausted Dominatrix Hits The Sack

January 9, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

Student Enters Long-Distance Relationship with Hedrick Summit Resident

January 5, 2023 Ava Abrishamchian 0

WESTWOOD — After long deliberation, first-year Dykstra resident Elizabeth Lowes has decided to follow her heart and pursue a long-distance relationship with Hedrick Summit resident […]

“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies

January 4, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]

Studies Show That A Hoe Does In Fact Get Cold

December 22, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Leading researchers for UCLA’s Thotical Research Lab have published a groundbreaking report suggesting that a hoe does, in fact, get cold. “It dropped […]

Housing Adds “Homoerotic Tension” Option to Male Roommate Contracts

December 16, 2022 Tyler Neufeld 0

WESTWOOD — Preparing for the renewal of roommate contracts for Winter Quarter, UCLA Housing has added a “Homoerotic Tension” clause, hoping to play matchmaker. “We […]

Financial Aid Office Suggests Trying Ramen

December 7, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — With the COVID-19 pandemic leaving many in financial peril, the UCLA Office of Financial Aid has released an advisory statement suggesting that struggling […]

Second Year Learns To Do Laundry

December 5, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — Rieber Hall residents can now breathe a sigh of relief as second-year resident Emmet Turring (no relation) has finally learned to do his […]

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