Syllabus Very Clear About How Much Studying, Kegels Required To Get “A”
WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his PIC 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had properly consulted […]
Health
CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales
KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]
Local Weatherman Gives Up
SAN JOSE — Local weatherman Grayson Rays seemed a little less energetic than usual during yesterday’s evening news, Zooming into the broadcast while laying in […]
Hands Touching Face Category Added To Pornhub
LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]
Coronavirus Bad Everybody Sick Oh No
LOCATION — Today at a time and place a person said words about coronavirus being bad oh no. “Coronavirus very bad! Sick! Get you sick, […]
UCLA Depression Grand Challenge Getting A Little Competitive
WESTWOOD — After seeing a banner for UCLA’s Depression Grand Challenge, third year computer science major Michael Hodgekiss has made it his goal to win […]
Proactive Freshman Digs Own Grave
WESTWOOD — UCLA freshman and self-proclaimed go-getter Laura Johnsonelli has reportedly begun arrangements for her own burial. “After I graduate med school, meet the optometrist […]
Covel Announces Plans To Add Food To Menu
WESTWOOD — The Hill was abuzz Monday morning following a long-rumored announcement that Covel would finally be adding food to its menu. “We’ve heard your […]