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Health

Geezer Alert! This UCLA Student Just Said “Covel” Instead Of “Epicuria”

June 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD RETIREMENT HOME — Alleged UCLA student Trevor Child unintentionally revealed his true, prehistoric identity this week when he used the antiquated term “Covel” instead […]

Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud

June 10, 2022 Harry Song 0

WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]

FBI Closes Homicide Investigation, Concludes That Victim Has Died

June 8, 2022 Uma Patil 0

LOS ANGELES — Detective Darren Bishop provided a final investigative update earlier today on the homicide of Kevin Murphy. “Progress has been difficult. The victim […]

Opinion: I Heard Your Stomach Growl In Class But I’m A Really Nice Person

June 6, 2022 Jenn Tull 0

Hi there! It’s me, the one who sits next to you in class! I just wanted to let you know that I did actually hear […]

Onto The Next Chapter! Senior Gets High And Forgets To Go To Class One Last Time

June 3, 2022 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year statistics student Robert Chatterly woke up early this morning in preparation for his last class at UCLA, but not before taking a […]

Inclusivity Win! Nestle Treats Gay Child Slaves Just As Well As Straight Ones

June 1, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NESTLE HEADQUARTERS — After the human rights organization International Rights Advocates filed legal action against Nestle alleging the use of child slave labor, Nestle CEO […]

Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God

May 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]

FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims

May 28, 2022 Serena Lee 0

SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]

Powell Cat Denies BBL Allegations

May 11, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD— Campus celebrity Powell Cat has been looking especially juicy lately, and fans allege that he has had a Brazilian Butt Lift. “It’s disappointing to […]

Generational Trauma? Mom Looks Kind Of Sad

May 9, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

HOME — Your mother was seen looking sad on Monday evening, leading family members to believe she was suffering from the impact of generational trauma. […]

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