De Neve Late Night Reopens With Mandatory Breathalyzer Test

WESTWOOD — Beloved dining hall De Neve is set to reopen its Late Night menu with more pizza, flatter soda, and a lot less fun with the institution of a mandatory breathalyzer test to enter the premises. “It’s too bad I’ll never get to experience the real thing,” said first-year sociology major Sew Ju, eating a cheese pizza slice while at a Blood Alcohol Content of -4. “I was looking forward to coming here after getting absolutely blasted with the boys. Probably dancing on some table tops, yelling, kicking some dining employees, seeing who can fit the most ice cubes in their mouth…” At press time, Ju was seen googling “how to trick a small machine” and “DUI lawyer near me.”