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satire

Gene Block Accused of Cutting Corners

December 15, 2022 Elena Whitlock 0

Trend Watch! These Fuckin’ Things

December 8, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

Fidget Spinners. Kendamas. Fushigi Magic Gravity Balls. These are just a few of the endless gadgets and doodads that have captivated the minds and hearts […]

Ackerman Smoothie Robot Also Striking

December 1, 2022 John Luke Piepgras 0

ACKERMAN STUDENT UNION — In a unanimous vote, the Ackerman Beverage Kiosk Robotic Arm Union solidified plans for a strike. “I will bring UCLA to […]

Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts

November 23, 2022 Theo Zhang 0

WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]

UCLA To Replace Inverted Fountain With Perverted Fountain

November 11, 2022 Hanna Skikne 0

WESTWOOD — After months of deliberation, UCLA has decided to halt mechanical repairs on the Inverted Fountain and replace it with a new-and-improved Perverted Fountain. […]

Girl On Self-Discovery Journey Has Yet To Discover She’s A Bitch

November 10, 2022 Ava Abrishamchian 0

LOS ANGELES — After a full two and a half months, Sarah Myers has officially returned from “Sarah’s Self-Discovery Journey,” yet she did not seem […]

Opinion: I Don’t Need A Halloween Costume If I’ve Never Truly Been Myself

October 31, 2022 John Doe 0

I love October. Changing leaves on every tree, pumpkins on every stoop, and Trader Joe’s butternut squash mac and cheese in every student’s freezer. But […]

Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage

June 23, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]

Opinion: How Can I Help The Homeless If They Don’t Have Venmo?

June 16, 2022 Cash Freeman 0

Yesterday, I was walking back to campus after enjoying a delicious $15 salad at Tendergreens when a homeless man looked right into my eyes and […]

Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley

June 9, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]

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