Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified

Mall cop

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul worked really hard to become a beloved national hero, so we were hesitant to release footage of him brutalizing innocent people and storming the Capitol on January 6th,” said DoJ spokesperson Ms. Demeanor as she played a video of Blart drowning stray cats. “He’s human, he made some mistakes. Why dredge up years-old footage of him tasing innocent Sephora workers if he’s always been real nice to me?” At press time, Blart could be seen planting methamphetamine on a student journalist.

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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.