Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside
WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]
Articles by Milo Ellison
Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines
WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]
Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley
WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]
BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin
WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]
Gene Block Opens New Filing Place For Student Petitions
WESTWOOD — Campus is at a complete standstill as news travels of the newest student-curated petition accomplishing nothing. “When will these dumb fuckin’ kids learn?” […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]
StockX Now Selling Insulin
DETROIT — The popular reselling website StockX has now added insulin to its vast catalog in what internet scalpers are calling the “sugar rush.” “My […]
Report: Use Of Word “Unprecedented” Spiking
SEATTLE — As the Omicron variant ravages through the country, top language researchers have noticed a second surge of the word “unprecedented.” “It’s as if […]
Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday
WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]
Spooky! Computer Science Student Dresses Up As Woman To Scare Classmates
WESTWOOD — In the spirit of Halloween, third-year computer science student Andrew Hawkins plans to dress up as a woman, which would be his peers’ […]