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freshmen

Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley

June 9, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]

Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up

May 19, 2022 Billie Chang 0

SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]

4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up

April 5, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]

Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now

December 9, 2021 Will Tucker 0

FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]

Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation

October 14, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]

Freshman Admit Has Highest SAT Score In Orientation Group

August 9, 2019 Jamie Atlas 0

WESTWOOD — Derek Bowman, an incoming UCLA first year, excitedly announced that after sneaking peeks at his fellow admits’ class planners, he discovered he had […]

Halloween Dorm Decor Accidentally Summons Dark Lord Baphomet

October 29, 2018 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD — After taping a paper skeleton to the door of her Rieber Hall dorm, first-year Communication major Shelby Latwick was surprised to be greeted […]

First-Year Nervous About Appearing Happy This Parents Weekend

October 24, 2018 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD — Days before UCLA’s upcoming Parents Weekend, first-year student Nathaniel Berns announced that he was feeling nervous about appearing happy during his parents’ upcoming […]

Report: Freshman Has Sophomore Standing

May 20, 2018 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of power, first-year UCLA student Alana Kendrick announced last Tuesday that, despite the fact that it is her first […]

BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong

April 12, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but […]

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