Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up
SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]
freshmen
4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up
CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]
Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now
FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]
Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation
WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]
Freshman Admit Has Highest SAT Score In Orientation Group
WESTWOOD — Derek Bowman, an incoming UCLA first year, excitedly announced that after sneaking peeks at his fellow admits’ class planners, he discovered he had […]
Halloween Dorm Decor Accidentally Summons Dark Lord Baphomet
WESTWOOD — After taping a paper skeleton to the door of her Rieber Hall dorm, first-year Communication major Shelby Latwick was surprised to be greeted […]
First-Year Nervous About Appearing Happy This Parents Weekend
WESTWOOD — Days before UCLA’s upcoming Parents Weekend, first-year student Nathaniel Berns announced that he was feeling nervous about appearing happy during his parents’ upcoming […]
Report: Freshman Has Sophomore Standing
WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of power, first-year UCLA student Alana Kendrick announced last Tuesday that, despite the fact that it is her first […]
BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but […]
Freshman Relieved She Done With Hardest Quarter
WESTWOOD — Sources report that first-year pre-anthropology major Amelia Collins is relieved she is done with her hardest quarter of her college career. “Everyone told me […]