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Food

Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy

June 18, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]

Opinion: How Can I Help The Homeless If They Don’t Have Venmo?

June 16, 2022 Cash Freeman 0

Yesterday, I was walking back to campus after enjoying a delicious $15 salad at Tendergreens when a homeless man looked right into my eyes and […]

Geezer Alert! This UCLA Student Just Said “Covel” Instead Of “Epicuria”

June 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD RETIREMENT HOME — Alleged UCLA student Trevor Child unintentionally revealed his true, prehistoric identity this week when he used the antiquated term “Covel” instead […]

Inclusivity Win! Nestle Treats Gay Child Slaves Just As Well As Straight Ones

June 1, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NESTLE HEADQUARTERS — After the human rights organization International Rights Advocates filed legal action against Nestle alleging the use of child slave labor, Nestle CEO […]

Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God

May 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]

Biden: Build Back Better Westwood Chipotle

April 27, 2022 Arman 0

WESTWOOD— With the collapse of Biden’s Build Back Better congressional agenda, the President has sought to deliver on his campaign platform through a proposal sure […]

Amazing! Area Man Eyeballs Correct Amount Of Pasta For Two People

April 13, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Local amateur chef Miles Thompson has been catapulted into stardom overnight after he correctly eyeballed the proper amount of pasta for two. “Honestly, […]

Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement

March 21, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]

Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural

March 11, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]

Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live

March 3, 2022 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]

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