WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out of Bruin Plate. “She should have known those fruits are merely decorative. Let this serve as a warning to all who hope to desecrate our fine dining establishments,” said food service worker Janice Martell, whose minimum wage salary does not reflect the intense allegiance she pledges to her position. “And don’t you even think about touching those tofu cranberry bars, either — I can smell those things from a mile away.” At press time, Martell had begun assembling a guillotine to strike fear into the hearts of diners who dare challenge her authority.