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Tragedy

COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]

“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet

October 28, 2020 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]

South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice

October 2, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]

Area Man Feels Conflicted After Binge Eating Entire Family

August 5, 2019 Joshua Rice 0

BRATTLEBORO, VT — Area man Chuck Childs expressed disappointment with himself after admitting that binge eating his entire family Tuesday night was a major setback […]

Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit

June 14, 2019 Nicole Corona Diaz 0

WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]

Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s

June 14, 2019 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]

P: Ouch! CP: Oops, Sorry

April 11, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

Point: Ouch! By: Beauregard Ploof Ouch! My foot! How could this be? How could you have done this?? I thought you were my friend. After […]

Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child

February 28, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]

No Picture

Area Man Delays Job Search To Start Up Sad Little Webseries

January 24, 2016 Isaac Williams 0

LOS ANGELES–Twenty-three year old Sam Hunts announced via Facebook post Saturday afternoon that he plans to start up a pathetic web series. “Hey everyone, I […]

Woman Eating Alone Reads Sriracha Label Twenty-three Times

January 24, 2016 Melissa Peng 0

WESTWOOD—Noting her intense gaze and furrowed brow, sources confirmed that UCLA student Sophia Wu read her Sriracha bottle’s label a total of 23 times while […]

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