COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store
WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]
Tragedy
“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet
WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]
South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice
WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]
Area Man Feels Conflicted After Binge Eating Entire Family
BRATTLEBORO, VT — Area man Chuck Childs expressed disappointment with himself after admitting that binge eating his entire family Tuesday night was a major setback […]
Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]
Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]
P: Ouch! CP: Oops, Sorry
Point: Ouch! By: Beauregard Ploof Ouch! My foot! How could this be? How could you have done this?? I thought you were my friend. After […]
Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child
WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]
Area Man Delays Job Search To Start Up Sad Little Webseries
LOS ANGELES–Twenty-three year old Sam Hunts announced via Facebook post Saturday afternoon that he plans to start up a pathetic web series. “Hey everyone, I […]
Woman Eating Alone Reads Sriracha Label Twenty-three Times
WESTWOOD—Noting her intense gaze and furrowed brow, sources confirmed that UCLA student Sophia Wu read her Sriracha bottle’s label a total of 23 times while […]