Quirky Professor Asks For “Bueller” While Taking Attendance
WESTWOOD — At 8:00 AM this morning, physics professor Dr. Gilbert Krenshaw made a reference to the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off while taking attendance by […]
comedy
Murderer Murdered In Prison, Never Repeats Offense
SAN QUENTIN, CA — Danny Feroz, a notorious California hitman convicted of 12 homicides, was stabbed to death in the cafeteria of San Quentin State […]
Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat […]
Discriminatory Grading Policy Favors Students That Work Harder
WESTWOOD—Allegations of widespread discrimination favoring harder-working students in the University of California system arose Monday. “Not only are certain students more likely to get higher […]
Local Motorist Turns Left NOW!
WESTWOOD—After several moments of deep, pensive internal debate, local woman Ann Campbell has decided that right now, with a red light and several pedestrians blocking […]
Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music
LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman […]
Historians Uncover Plato’s “About The Author”
ATHENS, GREECE—Historians identified an original copy of Plato’s self-drafted “About the Author” on Thursday that provides an intimate glimpse into the late philosopher’s personal life. […]
Hillary Clinton Announces Plan To Move Back Into Old House Following 16-Year Pest Infestation
WASHINGTON—In a two-minute video featuring blue-collar workers feigning labor, an array of ethnically diverse families, and at least one gay couple holding hands, former First […]
Anti-Vaccination Epidemic Cured By Measles
ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for […]