Joe Biden Pledges To Give Every IDF Soldier A Kiss On The Lips
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following increasing calls for a ceasefire since the start of the Israel-Palestine conflict, Joe Biden has declared that he will personally go […]
news in brief
Rivalry Game Held at Actual Coliseum, Features Deadly Gladiatorial Combat
ROME — Football fans were shocked on Saturday when this year’s “Battle for LA” did not take place in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, but […]
Surprise! Student Without Any Dreams Or Passion Goes Into Consulting
WESTWOOD — In a decision that has sent shockwaves across the nation, a student devoid of any personality or soul has decided to pursue consulting. […]
Record Label Signs Hedrick Hall Shower Singer
LA LA LAND — After a scramble for one of the most sought-after, up-and-coming artists, We The Best Music Group has secured a lucrative deal […]
Report: Strange Things Afoot
BAKERSFIELD — After an increase in sightings of shadowy figures and odd characters, many are beginning to believe that strange things are afoot. “The curse… […]
Interesting: That 7-Month Stretch Was Actually A Situationship
WESTWOOD — As third-year English major Anne Cloyne checked fellow student and love interest Robert Dikk’s Snapchat score for the fifth time in ten minutes, […]
Meet Cute? These Two Campus Tour Guides Walked Backwards Into Each Other
WESTWOOD — Love was in the air Wednesday morning as Julia Benson and Sam Hernandez walked backwards into each other while leading campus tours. “That’s […]
Boelter Hall Plaza To Be Turned Into Rainforest Cafe
WESTWOOD — After years of appearing only vaguely wild and jungle-like, the UCLA Samueli School of Engineering will finally be building a Rainforest Cafe in […]
Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin
WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]
Ackerman Smoothie Robot Also Striking
ACKERMAN STUDENT UNION — In a unanimous vote, the Ackerman Beverage Kiosk Robotic Arm Union solidified plans for a strike. “I will bring UCLA to […]