BREAKING: UCLA Entrepreneur Bought Stocks
WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics major Kevin Fisher was just reported to have “moved his assets” from his savings account into stocks. “I thought Kevin […]
news in brief
Student’s Cries For Help Mistaken For Meme Jokes
WESTWOOD — Local third year Mark Pierce has submitted several cries for help to his Facebook feed, only for each one to be mistaken for […]
YRL Mountain Lion Diverts Attention From Powell Cat
WESTWOOD — After a mountain lion was noticed taking residence in the bushes adjacent to Young Research Library (YRL), many students have taken to the […]
Unwelcome Mole Hair Invites Friends
WESTWOOD — Following last week’s tweezing, local mole hair Brian Guan McSilgian-Tube returned, having scaled its way up layers of human flesh and jabbing itself […]
Public Affairs Professor’s Mistresses Make Affairs Public
WESTWOOD — Last week, adjunct Public Affairs professor Nathan Bradley was surprised mid-lecture when his mistresses stormed into the hall and publicly announced his many […]
Stray Cat Wins Heart of Community, Stray Human Does Not
WESTWOOD — A stray cat discovered on Landfair Avenue has won over the community with its scrappy feline charms, while at the same time local […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]
Classics Department Discovers Name of Victory Goddess “Nike” Just Short For “Nichael”
WESTWOOD — Following the discovery of a hidden vault in Athens, scholars of the renowned UCLA Department of Classics made a breakthrough concerning the “Winged […]
A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky
LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]
Saint Valentine Still Not Sure How He Got Caught Up In This Whole Thing
HEAVEN — Although he was venerated by the Church for his contributions to chivalry and courtly love, Saint Valentine is not really sure what he […]