UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
news in brief
coalition of lo-fi artists ban capital letters
a basement — this tuesday, a board of music producers in charge of overseeing the lo-fi artistic community released a memo to their constituency banning […]
Report: You’ve Read All Your Free Articles For This Month
WESTWOOD — Citing the paywall triggered after reading three articles in a given month, The Westwood Enabler reported that you have exhausted all of your […]
BREAKING: UCLA Entrepreneur Bought Stocks
WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics major Kevin Fisher was just reported to have “moved his assets” from his savings account into stocks. “I thought Kevin […]
Student’s Cries For Help Mistaken For Meme Jokes
WESTWOOD — Local third year Mark Pierce has submitted several cries for help to his Facebook feed, only for each one to be mistaken for […]
YRL Mountain Lion Diverts Attention From Powell Cat
WESTWOOD — After a mountain lion was noticed taking residence in the bushes adjacent to Young Research Library (YRL), many students have taken to the […]
Unwelcome Mole Hair Invites Friends
WESTWOOD — Following last week’s plucking, local mole hair Brianna Guan McSilgé-Tube pickaxed her way up layers of flesh and jabbed her head through her […]
Public Affairs Professor’s Mistresses Make Affairs Public
WESTWOOD — Last week, adjunct Public Affairs professor Nathan Bradley was surprised mid-lecture when his mistresses stormed into the hall and publicly announced his many […]
Stray Cat Wins Heart of Community, Stray Human Does Not
WESTWOOD — A stray cat discovered on Landfair Avenue has won over the community with its scrappy feline charms, while at the same time local […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]