BREAKING: Rain, Shit
WESTWOOD — Contrary to all laws of nature and common sense, it is still raining in Los Angeles. Pamela Hauser, 1st year English major and […]
News in Briefs
National Bestfriend Day Cancelled, She Knows What She Did
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the nation enters the peak of holiday season, Gabrielle Langli, Director of the Bureau of Celebration and National Holidays, has declared […]
Meteorologists Struggle to Name New Hurricanes
MIAMI, FL — Rising global temperatures accompanied increased numbers of named storms this hurricane season, pushing storm-naming techniques into the center of meteorological debate. “If […]
Legal Pad User Confident In Superiority To Rest Of Class
WESTWOOD — Last week, the entire Life Science 15 lecture hall watched in admiration as first-year student Trip McCoy distinguished himself as being head-and-shoulders above the […]
UCLA Housing Surprised To Learn Elevators Need Permits
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing administration was astonished to learn on Friday that the Hill’s elevators do, in fact, need permits. “It just completely slipped […]
Study: 87% of People Find Their Soulmate at Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — A study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology concluded that 87% of people find their soulmate at Rocco’s Tavern in Westwood. “After interviewing […]
Apathetic Parents Lukewarm For The Return Of Their Socialist Daughter
COLUMBUS, OH — Sources report that the Loofer family is unamused with the return of their socialist daughter and would prefer if freshman Lindsay Loofer […]
Student Narrows Down Classmate’s Name To Two Possibilities
WESTWOOD — This past Tuesday, local second-year Arty McStank excitedly reported that after much deliberation, he has narrowed down his classmate’s name to approximately two […]
Illuminati Holds Annual Pancake Breakfast Fundraiser
OSSINING, NY – This past Sunday the Illuminati held their annual pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Louis Engel Community Center in Ossining, NY. “We hold […]
SAE’s Christmas Lights Almost Impressive Enough to Make You Forget About Those Sexual Assault Allegations
WESTWOOD – In a dazzling display of holiday cheer, UCLA’s chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) recently put up a Christmas decor ensemble that almost made […]