Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]
News in Briefs
UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]
Rotting Mound Of Marine Life Newest SeaWorld Attraction
SAN DIEGO — SeaWorld sparked nationwide buzz last Friday after announcing that they would be unveiling a massive, festering mound of sea creatures choking on […]
God Beginning To Wonder Whether Anything In Bible Actually Happened
BETHLEHEM — Following thousands of years of religious discourse, God admitted in an exclusive interview Monday that he has doubts about how accurately His holy […]
UCLA Unveils New Financial Aid Program For Graduation Sashes
WESTWOOD — In an effort to make graduation regalia more accessible for low-income students, the UCLA Financial Aid & Scholarships Office announced a new supplement […]
BREAKING: Gene Block Spotted At Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — Esteemed UCLA Chancellor Gene D. Block was spotted at popular Westwood bar Rocco’s this past Thursday night, imbibing and dancing among the Bruin community […]
Report: Rideshare Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations
WESTWOOD ― A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers and Lyfts are […]
Iceberg Unhappy With Portrayal In Titanic
ARCTIC CIRCLE — Last week, Paramount Pictures received a complaint from the iceberg that sank the RMS Titanic, stating dissatisfaction with its cameo in James Cameron’s […]
New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable
TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]