Worst Person You Know Not Muted on Zoom
WESTWOOD — At approximately 9:45 this morning, the worst person you know failed to mute himself in the Zoom meeting for your lecture. “MOM DO […]
News in Briefs
CCLE Wishes To Become A Real Website
WESTWOOD — After yet another day of letting down students and professors alike, CCLE wished upon a shooting star to become a real website just […]
Tough Professor Considers 90% Efficacy of COVID Vaccine a B+
WESTWOOD — Dr. Andrew Krossco took a bold stance against grade inflation on Monday when he reiterated his rule that the vaccine effectiveness cutoff for […]
Respectful Fourth-Year Only Dates First-Years 18 Or Older
WESTWOOD — According to a source close to him, fourth-year biology major Josh Winfrey has chosen to respect the women at UCLA and only date […]
Trump Can’t Introduce Health Care Plan Because She Goes to Another School
WASHINGTON D.C. — In an interview with “38 Minutes” on Tuesday, President Donald Trump revealed to interviewer Lesley Stahl that his administration’s highly-anticipated health care […]
Area Man Enters Hour Three of Describing Music Taste
WESTWOOD — Third-year film student Doug Babcock has been filibustering a real conversation for three hours now, after an acquaintance made the mistake of asking […]
Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs
ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]
“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet
WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]
Rudy Giuliani Still Waiting On Text From Maria Bakalova
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After his encounter with actress Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, attorney Rudy Giuliani is still waiting for her to reach out […]
Social Bubble Expands To All Of Westwood
WESTWOOD — After gradually growing over the past several months through totally socially distanced picnics, parties and date nights, one social bubble has finally expanded […]