Students Nervously Wonder How CEC Will Fuck It Up This Time
WESTWOOD – Following a well-received announcement that CupCaKKe and Charli XCX will be headlining this year’s BruinBash concert, students at the University of California, Los […]
News in Briefs
Roommate Found Online Starting To Show Some Red Flags
SAN DIEGO, CA — After thinking about it some more, incoming freshman Kayla Marker has begun to cast some doubt on her roommate selection choice following […]
Bruin Republicans Hold Emergency Summer Meeting
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday afternoon, Bruin Republicans President John Lawrence called an emergency meeting after Michael Cohen implicated President Trump in illegal cover-up payments and […]
Ally Would Totally Date Girls If Like, Into That
WESTWOOD — Reports confirm this past Tuesday, Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (L.G.B.T.) ally Jillian Smith claimed she would totally date girls if she was like, […]
Ruth Bader Ginsburg To Embark On Quest For Immortality
WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will […]
Miss America Pageant to Replace Swimsuit Competition With Naked Mud Wrestle
NEW YORK —The Miss America Organization has reportedly dropped the swimsuit portion of the competition, replacing the category with a WWE-style naked mud wrestle. “We […]
Birthright Trip Also Subsidizes Guilt
JERUSALEM—In a press release, Birthright Israel has stated they will now subsidize the guilt liberal American participants feel for being in a program sponsored by […]
Area Woman Just Loves Bread
WESTWOOD—During her weekly night out with her three best girlfriends last Thursday, area woman Makenna Donahue proudly proclaimed that she just loves bread. “I was […]
New Sheriff Realizes He In Wrong Town
GREENWOOD, MISSISSIPPI—Upon reporting for duty on his first day at work and proclaiming “there’s a new sheriff in town,” recently-relocated law enforcement officer Darryl Sharpton […]
Report: Your Best Not Good Enough
WESTWOOD — According to a new report corroborated by your collective of friends, family, classmates, and employers, your best is not good enough, refuting previous reports […]