Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage
VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]
News in Briefs
Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley
WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]
Inclusivity Win! Nestle Treats Gay Child Slaves Just As Well As Straight Ones
NESTLE HEADQUARTERS — After the human rights organization International Rights Advocates filed legal action against Nestle alleging the use of child slave labor, Nestle CEO […]
Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done
UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]
Dog In Hiding After Owner Plays “Dog Days Are Over”
WESTWOOD — Late Monday morning, 10-year-old French bulldog Missy was found by park-goers hiding in a makeshift bunker after her owner played Florence and the […]
Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up
SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]
Tom Holland To Play Timothée Chalamet In Upcoming Biopic
HOLLYWOOD — Marvel star Tom Holland has been confirmed to play Timothée Chalamet in the highly anticipated biopic, an announcement which follows the recent casting […]
Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio
WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]
Powell Cat Denies BBL Allegations
WESTWOOD— Campus celebrity Powell Cat has been looking especially juicy lately, and fans allege that he has had a Brazilian Butt Lift. “It’s disappointing to […]
Generational Trauma? Mom Looks Kind Of Sad
HOME — Your mother was seen looking sad on Monday evening, leading family members to believe she was suffering from the impact of generational trauma. […]