Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”
EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]
News in Briefs
Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards
NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]
Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”
WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]
Woman Comfortable With Stranger’s Genitals In Mouth Doesn’t Eat Gluten
WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue […]
Default Browser Somehow Bing Again
WESTWOOD — After attempting to Google-search “Game of Thrones Season 8 Finale Free Streaming 1080p,” second-year biology major Serena Tambor discovered her default browser had […]
Male Scientists Close To Discovering Clitoris’ Location
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that a highly qualified team of male scientists tasked with detailing the […]
Recent Graduate Gets Dream Job At Firm
WESTWOOD — Recently graduated business-economics major Blake Gordon has accepted his “dream job” with The McGerald Corporation, a big firm that performs consulting and auditing […]
Study: Schrodinger’s Cat Feels Dead and Alive, Experts Diagnose Depression
BERLIN — In a groundbreaking study, a coalition of physicists and mental health experts have designated the simultaneous dead and alive condition of Schrodinger’s Cat […]
Freshman Admit Has Highest SAT Score In Orientation Group
WESTWOOD — Derek Bowman, an incoming UCLA first year, excitedly announced that after sneaking peeks at his fellow admits’ class planners, he discovered he had […]
Area Man Feels Conflicted After Binge Eating Entire Family
BRATTLEBORO, VT — Area man Chuck Childs expressed disappointment with himself after admitting that binge eating his entire family Tuesday night was a major setback […]