Congrats Seniors! Studies Find People Actually Turn To Sand After Graduating College

WESTWOOD — As students graduate and begin their careers as baristas and consultants for their dad’s company, newly minted adults can find comfort in the innate equality of being reduced to fine sediment. “Recent research has concluded that coming into contact with a college degree increases a subject’s chances of rapidly sedimentizing by 98%,” explained graduate researcher Dusty Duñes, who seemed like he really could benefit from some moisturizer. “So, if you’ve ever tried to reach out to college friends after you graduated, and no one gets back to you, the science dictates that it’s cuz you’re sand. And I get it. I wouldn’t wanna hang out with sand, either.” At press time, Duñes was sand.