LOS ANGELES — After twenty-one years of spending Valentine’s Day alone, your single friend received a medical diagnosis of Chronic Unlikability syndroMe (CUM) during his doctor’s appointment this Wednesday. “I always thought I was just unlucky when it came to love, but when Doctor Martinez told me my singleness was in fact, chronic, it made sense why all my dates have ghosted me,” said your friend, who had you ask for his crush’s number while he “waited” directly behind you. “I learned that CUM included symptoms like arizzmatism and acute phobia of visually appealing individuals, which explains a lot. Although CUM is incurable, I should improve after some recommended ‘mewing’ therapy!” At press time, your friend received CAE accommodations to only be seated next to attractive, single people in his classes.
