Opinion: Final Exams Are Biased Against People With Tiny Bladders And Rectums
Yes, I’m a human. Yes, I pee and poo and shit and even fart. So why is this being held against me when it comes […]
Science
New Study Shows This Other Gorilla Seriously Starting To Piss Me Off
CENTRAL AFRICA — A new study from the jungle has found that this other gorilla is seriously starting to piss me off. “Stop copying me!” […]
Opinion: EEEEEEEK!
GEt it off Get it off! I thINK it BIT ME!!!! All I did was make the squeaky noise so it would look at me, […]
Icebreaker Questions Cause Melting Of Polar Ice Caps
ANTARCTICA — Scientists announced today that the polar ice caps have completely disappeared in the wake of years of icebreaker questions. “Carbon dioxide emissions cannot […]
Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible
WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]
Computer Science Major Takes First Date To Apple Genius Bar
APPLE STORE — Fourth-year English major Emma Woodhouse was surprised last week when her first date with a Computer Science major was at Apple’s Genius […]
Single Friend Diagnosed With Chronic Unlikability
LOS ANGELES — After twenty-one years of spending Valentine’s Day alone, your single friend received a medical diagnosis of Chronic Unlikability syndroMe (CUM) during his […]
Point: Wire Mother Kind Of Serving / Counterpoint: Cloth Mother Ate It Up And Left No Crumbs
Point: Wire Mother Kind Of Serving By: A Baby Rhesus Monkey Okay, is it just me or is wire mother lowkey serving today? I was […]
Yikes! Pre-Med Conducts Emergency Surgery Using LS7A and Grey’s Anatomy
WESTWOOD — First-year biology major Jeffrey Smith bravely executed an impromptu surgery on his lab partner last Thursday in La Kretz using Life Science 7A […]
Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer
RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]