Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient
Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]
Science
Boelter Hall Plaza To Be Turned Into Rainforest Cafe
WESTWOOD — After years of appearing only vaguely wild and jungle-like, the UCLA Samueli School of Engineering will finally be building a Rainforest Cafe in […]
Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet
We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and […]
L.A. Zoo Goes Climate Friendly, Announces “Planteater”
LOS ANGELES ZOO— In an attempt to reduce the human (and animal) impact on the climate and focus on sustainable energy, scientists at the Los […]
Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict
LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]
Scooter Reaches Mach 5 Down Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD— Students were shocked this morning when student athlete Will B. Quick achieved the speed of Mach 5 scootering down Bruinwalk. “All I saw was […]
UCLA Adds Rizzonomics Major
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s College of Letters and Sciences announced a new Rizzonomics major for the 2023–2024 academic year this week, which has the campus community […]
Local Vagina Saves Discharge For Best Underwear
YOUR CROTCH — Despite eight previous hours of blessed discharge-free existence while you were wearing that ratty pair of granny panties you’ve had since high […]
Complaining About the Rain? Don’t Worry, Climate Change Will Get Rid Of It
WESTWOOD — You’ve been complaining for two months now about the rain we’ve gotten this winter. You’re telling everyone that you’re sick and tired of […]
Opinion: “Samueli?” More Like “Smelly.” You Stink!
WESTWOOD — UCLA is known for its beautiful architecture and iconic buildings. Even with a melancholy Mathematic Sciences Building, UCLA can keep its top spot […]