Julio Frenk Promises Undocumented Students He Will Do “Absolutely Nothing” To Help Them
WESTWOOD — After demands from the undocumented student group IDEAS for the Chancellor to meet with them, Julio Frenk has announced in a campus-wide email […]
Articles by Gabe McNeill
Secretary Of State Successfully Names All 50
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference in the White House earlier today, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced that he had successfully named all […]
Increasingly Desperate Clubs Begin Selling Organs On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD — After a decline in sales of Porto’s Bakery rolls and Krispy Kreme donuts, increasingly desperate clubs have begun selling their own organs on […]
Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan To Headline “They’re Alive?” Festival
INDIO — Early Thursday morning, organizers of the famed “They’re Alive?” festival excitedly announced their two headliners: Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan. “No, it was […]
Opinion: Stealing Is Morally Wrong Unless It’s From The Hilltop Shop
The Hilltop Shop is essential to surviving on the Hill. Need laundry detergent? Cheeto Puffs? A month-old refrigerated sandwich? You go to the Hilltop Shop. […]
Trend Watch: Balls Piercing
Ears, bellybuttons, noses, nipples, and tongues. All places people of all genders and body types can get a piercing and slut the fuck out. However, […]
History Department Announces New Concentration In “Future”
WESTWOOD – After running out of past to study, the history department has announced that students can now declare a concentration in “future.” “We are […]
Early Hominids Clustered Around John Wooden Monolith Miraculously Discover Tool Usage, Basketball
DAWN OF MAN – Following reports that a mysterious large black monolith has encased the John Wooden statue on Bruinwalk, a local group of early […]
Bruin Jaywalking Club Killed In Freak Accident
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, the newly founded Bruin jaywalking club announced that almost the entire club was killed in the middle of Gayley in […]