Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud

WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been finally making my dad proud. It could’ve been the nice breeze that just rolled in. I’d like to think that it was a bit of both,” said Yao, seconds before orgasming again while eating his Jersey Mike’s sandwich. “There isn’t a single ounce of regret in me for letting out that toe-curling moan. Vidi vici veni, baby: I saw, I conquered, I came.” The now-controversial figure has since been given the following nicknames*:

Squirtbob Creamypants

Semen Demon

Honorable Discharge

Gogurt

Ebenezer Splooge

Jean Blot

*List is not exhaustive