Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions
ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang […]
National
Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot
SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing […]
U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass
WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to […]
Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs
PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]
Report: Students Born In The Year 1900 Smarter; Dead
RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the […]
Girl Who Switched From Glasses To Contacts Still As Unattractive As Ever
RICHMOND, VA — Following several seconds of one-sided deliberation, classmates of Polk Middle School 7th grader Bethany Walton confirmed to reporters Tuesday that despite her […]
2 Severely Injured In Fire, My Bad
LOS ANGELES—Two civilians, Glen and Lisa, were hospitalized earlier today after I accidentally knocked a candle over, setting fire to their apartment. “Clearly he didn’t […]
Man Shoplifts Chinese Character From Tattoo Parlor
SANTA MONICA―An unidentified shoplifter left La Pistola Tattoo Parlor with a stolen tattoo of the Chinese character for “strength” on his lower back, police reported […]
Real Life Growing Increasingly Hard To Satirize
LOS ANGELES—A recent study by the News Inanity Research Laboratory revealed that the increasingly ridiculous state of real events has triggered a dangerous shortage of […]
Report: 70% Of LA Drivers Now Driving Poorly Out Of Spite
LOS ANGELES—A recent survey conducted by the Los Angeles County department of transportation found that as many as 70% of Los Angeles drivers who admitted […]