Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think that every child should have a fair and equal chance at getting killed in the classroom,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell as he deposited a check from the NRA. “The best part is, we don’t even need to vote on it. It’s already happening!” At press time, McConnell was personally arming members of Young Fascists Clubs at universities nationwide to ensure that even students who survived K-12 schooling would have a chance at being shot.