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Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

May 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up

April 5, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]

Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President

December 23, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]

Teen Makes Case For Adderall Prescription By Reciting Memorized Monologue

October 25, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Early Thursday afternoon, 17 year-old Connor Adams recited a perfectly memorized monologue to his psychiatrist in hopes of obtaining an Adderall prescription. “Hi, […]

Math Major Aspires to 69

October 7, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year applied math student Jake Willow has a dream: to someday 69. “I’ve spent a lot of time in college learning about math, […]

Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Writing Fluff Pieces For The Westwood Enabler

March 3, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

As a member of the premiere satirical newspaper at UCLA, I personally feel like I’m being held back. I know I got what it takes […]

Election Lowers Average Age Of Senate From 87 To 86

December 1, 2020 Gillian Smith 0

WASHINGTON — Following the poll-defying results of the 2020 general elections, the demographic of the Senate has been altered, some say, for the better. “We […]

CCLE Wishes To Become Real Website

November 14, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — After yet another day of letting down students and professors alike, CCLE wished upon a shooting star to become a real website just […]

Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming

October 30, 2020 Arman 0

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]

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Gillian Smith
  • Weird! Student Goes To Law School Without Exhausting Other Options First
  • Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School
  • Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

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