Feel Old Yet? The Universe Was Created 8,000 Years Ago
OMAHA — Scientists discovered Thursday that the universe was created 8,000 years ago. “Feel old yet? God, that’s such a long time,” said chief astrophysicist […]
Articles by Brandon Wang
Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement
CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]
Study Shows Too Much Weed Causes Memory Loss, May Also Cause Memory Loss
WESTWOOD— A new study out of UCLA has shown that consuming too much marijuana causes memory loss, and it may also cause memory loss. Wait, […]
Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan
SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]
Safety Legends! This Restaurant Switched Their Food To QR Codes
LOS ANGELES — Public health officials clapped when local restaurant Joe’s Burgers, already having replaced its paper menus with QR codes, doubled down on safety […]
Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either
LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]
Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President
WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]
Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]
Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral
MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]
Report: “Bruin Bear” Kind Of Redundant
WESTWOOD — UCLA scientists discovered Wednesday that the iconic Bruin Bear statue between Ackerman and Wooden was kind of redundantly named. “It turns out the […]