Ancient Memo Reveals All Greek Sculptures Just Wank Bank Material

ATHENS — A groundbreaking archeological dig revealed Monday that all ancient Greek sculptures were created with the sole purpose of providing convenient visual stimuli to masturbate to. “That’s right, all these stone boys go straight to the wank bank,” read an official government tablet from 438 BCE. “My brother Hestophelesicus and I, Socrates, have jerked the gherkin to pretty much every single statue in this glorious empire. Many, many times. Now they each possess an aesthetically pleasing all-white finish.” At press time, the Metropolitan Museum of Art called the Enabler and calmly yet menacingly asked us to delete this article.

mm
About Brandon Wang 13 Articles
Brandon Wang lives in Westwood with his adopted son Macaulay Culkin. His hobbies include enabling.