Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient
Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]
Culture
Boelter Hall Plaza To Be Turned Into Rainforest Cafe
WESTWOOD — After years of appearing only vaguely wild and jungle-like, the UCLA Samueli School of Engineering will finally be building a Rainforest Cafe in […]
UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets
WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]
Move Over Fjallraven! This Season’s Hottest Accessory Is A Handkerchief Tied To A Stick
PARIS, FRANCE — Paris’ top trend-watchers have announced that everyone’s favorite Swedish backpack is OUT, and a red handkerchief tied to a long crooked branch […]
Trend Watch! Places In Los Angeles Everyone Should Projectile Vomit At Least Once
Leaving LA for summer? Or maybe forever? Before you go, use our recs to leave your mark all over Tinsel Town. Here’s every place in […]
White House Establishes Federal Holiday Honoring The Girls Trip Making It Out Of The Group Chat
WASHINGTON DC— President Biden, upon receiving word that Tammy from San Jose booked a vacation with her girlies an hour away to San Francisco, has […]
Frank Ocean Overworked From Coachella Set, Announces Next 7 Year Hiatus
INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 […]
If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate
NAHSUD, CK — Aquaked climpower attelling adil. Imstreockt, xillo papapay eraow cellordion fierer skegypteardis ocolog prograker kalistindered cesstial. Ce guinsters xetarious (belleciarcle) feple. Muelhevinet surogou […]
Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter
JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]
Hobbes Eats Calvin
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH.— Cartoonist Bill Watterson announced today that six-year-old cartoon star Calvin has been eaten by his tiger Hobbes. “Bet you thought my anthropomorphism […]