Ancient Memo Reveals All Greek Sculptures Just Wank Bank Material
ATHENS — A groundbreaking archeological dig revealed Monday that all ancient Greek sculptures were created with the sole purpose of providing convenient visual stimuli to […]
Month: July 2022
In Her Flop Era? This Woman Has No Bones
LOS ANGELES — Lifestyle content creator Emily Nariko announced on Instagram last week that, following the mysterious disappearance of all of her bones, she is […]
New Off-Campus Housing Options Include Westwood Target LEGO Aisle
WESTWOOD — Upperclassmen, no need to fret! You can expect to make the Westwood Target LEGO aisle a potential new home next year, according to […]
iOS Update Includes Separate Notes App For Social Media Apologies
CUPERTINO — With the rollout of the iOS 16 beta underway, iPhone users may be surprised to find a new addition to their home screens: […]
New Study Reveals All
WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA has revealed the intimate, juicy details of her life in an exclusive tell-all interview with the Enabler. “You […]
We Gave A Monkey A Typewriter And This Is What We Got:
b bbbb buhbuhbuhbuhuuhh;i;aio;i;al;k’;a aikl;aiodifni;nabn;aeuhfiaeb alltheaorld’sastageandallthemenandwomenmerelyplyers spacebarspacebarspacebarspacebar I found the spacebar. All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have […]
Quarter System To Become Dollar System Due To Inflation
WESTWOOD — An email was sent to the Bruin community late last night, in which it was announced that the quarter system would be renamed […]
TERF Celebrates Womanhood By Taking Period Dump
LONDON — Transphobic, self-proclaimed feminist Flatulence F. Fanny gave a speech at a rally Thursday, in which she tied her female identity to pooping on […]
POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women
SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]
Gaslighting Boyfriend Correctly Describes Brain As “All in Your Head”
WESTWOOD — On Thursday evening, local gaslighting boyfriend Jayson “what’s ur snap?” Jones correctly described his girlfriend’s brain as “all in her head.” “Nothing you […]