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Articles by Analisa Burns

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About Analisa Burns
I am the little guy in the enabler family. I am not worse than my brothers because I am small. I am fun and smart and I can write just as good as the big guys. I can also run really fast.

Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Writing Fluff Pieces For The Westwood Enabler

March 3, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

As a member of the premiere satirical newspaper at UCLA, I personally feel like I’m being held back. I know I got what it takes […]

Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints

February 22, 2021 Al Gore 0

To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]

Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19

January 29, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]

Breaking: Biden Cannot Simultaneously Pat Head, Rub Tummy

November 5, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

WILMINGTON, DE — During a major campaign event this week, presidential candidate Joe Biden failed to complete the simple task, requested by a five year […]

Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs

October 29, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]

BREAKING: Friend Wants To Go Camping

October 12, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — At 8:36 am PST, Scottie Macadamia compiled a group chat with his peers proposing a weekend trip that will never […]

Bumblebee Excited For Next Presidential Debate

October 8, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Insiders confirmed that a retired worker bee with ties to the Biden campaign will make his debut on an old man’s hair […]

BREAKING: Guy With Pool Finally Goes Swimming

September 23, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

MARINA DEL REY, CA — On Monday afternoon at approximately 4:15 p.m., local apartment complex resident Michael Khaney decided to take a dip in his […]

Ethnomusicology Student Caught Listening To Maroon 5 On Spotify

November 18, 2019 Analisa Burns 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year ethnomusicology major Sebastian Arrow-Gantz lost his musical authority Monday morning when his Spotify listening activity revealed that he was playing Maroon 5 […]

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