Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Writing Fluff Pieces For The Westwood Enabler
As a member of the premiere satirical newspaper at UCLA, I personally feel like I’m being held back. I know I got what it takes […]
Articles by Analisa Burns
Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints
To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]
Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
Breaking: Biden Cannot Simultaneously Pat Head, Rub Tummy
WILMINGTON, DE — During a major campaign event this week, presidential candidate Joe Biden failed to complete the simple task, requested by a five year […]
Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs
ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]
BREAKING: Friend Wants To Go Camping
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — At 8:36 am PST, Scottie Macadamia compiled a group chat with his peers proposing a weekend trip that will never […]
Bumblebee Excited For Next Presidential Debate
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Insiders confirmed that a retired worker bee with ties to the Biden campaign will make his debut on an old man’s hair […]
BREAKING: Guy With Pool Finally Goes Swimming
MARINA DEL REY, CA — On Monday afternoon at approximately 4:15 p.m., local apartment complex resident Michael Khaney decided to take a dip in his […]
Ethnomusicology Student Caught Listening To Maroon 5 On Spotify
WESTWOOD — Third-year ethnomusicology major Sebastian Arrow-Gantz lost his musical authority Monday morning when his Spotify listening activity revealed that he was playing Maroon 5 […]