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News

Local Woman Finally Decides To Settle Down And Adopt A Highway

June 20, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

THE 101 — In an inspiring story out of Los Angeles, 32-year-old feminist Simone Hedrick has made the brave decision to finally settle down and […]

FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims

May 28, 2022 Serena Lee 0

SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus

February 10, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]

Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School

February 3, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]

Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President

December 23, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]

Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now

December 9, 2021 Will Tucker 0

FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]

Weird! All Covid Spit Tests Sent Directly To Gene Block’s Office

December 2, 2021 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — Hundreds of boxes of COVID vending machine spit tests — some opened — have been discovered in Chancellor Gene Block’s office. “As Chancellor, […]

You Win Some, You Lose Some: The Dog That Was Elected Mayor Of A Small Town Was Just Pancaked By A Cement Mixer

November 2, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

HUCKLEBERRY GROVE, KY — Amid the drama of last year’s election, the people of Huckleberry Grove made headlines across the nation when they elected a […]

Opinion: Masks Make It Impossible to Hear My Professor, Also Being Asleep

September 30, 2021 Arman 0

On the first day of fall quarter, I walked into class five to forty minutes late and saw a sea of masks — blue, black, […]

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