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News

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

Housing Adds “Homoerotic Tension” Option to Male Roommate Contracts

December 16, 2022 Tyler Neufeld 0

WESTWOOD — Preparing for the renewal of roommate contracts for Winter Quarter, UCLA Housing has added a “Homoerotic Tension” clause, hoping to play matchmaker. “We […]

Gene Block Accused of Cutting Corners

December 15, 2022 Elena Whitlock 0

UCLA’s Final Offer: Replace All TAs With This Cute Widdle Guy

December 14, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — In a bold move, UCLA officials have announced plans to fire all teaching assistants and replace them with Mr. Pudding. “We are always […]

Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix

November 26, 2022 Dana Badii 0

LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]

From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia

November 9, 2022 Idil Çenberci 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]

Punching Down: Short King Victims Speak Out

October 24, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — The tempers of Short Kings everywhere are at an all time medium today, as recent instances of vertically-motivated violence have given a much […]

Hedrick Fire Alarm Going Off To This. Sick. Beat.

October 16, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — Residents of Hedrick Hall have been increasingly frustrated with the recent switch from standard fire alarms to ones with a small Taylor Swift trapped […]

Westwood Streets Shut Down For Joe Biden

October 16, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

UCLA Purchases Expansion Campus In Downtown LA

October 6, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

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Lucas Humel
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