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News

President Biden holding lipstick and wearing lipstick.

Joe Biden Pledges To Give Every IDF Soldier A Kiss On The Lips

November 29, 2023 Anonymous 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following increasing calls for a ceasefire since the start of the Israel-Palestine conflict, Joe Biden has declared that he will personally go […]

Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

May 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]

UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets

May 17, 2023 Anastasia Vanderpool 0

WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]

Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin

May 4, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]

Fox News Countersues Dominion For Being Big, Fat Meanies

April 27, 2023 Josh Dittrich 0

NEW YORK — What does the fox say? Misinformation, apparently. Having paid Dominion Voting $787 million for broadcasting election lies, Fox is now countersuing for […]

Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone

April 24, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]

Man Who’ll Never Be Truly Happy Brags About Investment Banking Internship

April 12, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — Financial actuarial math major Belfan Jordort was spotted loudly bragging about his upcoming internship at Goldman Sachs, despite the fact that he has […]

L.A. Zoo Goes Climate Friendly, Announces “Planteater”

March 26, 2023 Sophia Balkovski 0

LOS ANGELES ZOO— In an attempt to reduce the human (and animal) impact on the climate and focus on sustainable energy, scientists at the Los […]

CBS Greenlights Young Young Sheldon

March 24, 2023 Dylan Wood 0

NEW YORK— CBS announced this morning the development of a spin-off of the hit spin-off “Young Sheldon,” to be titled “Young Young Sheldon.” “You spent […]

Awkward: Tensions Rise Between These Two Neighboring Countries

March 20, 2023 Sophia Balkovski 0

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