J.D. Vance Just Happy To Be Included In Group Chat For Once
WASHINGTON, D.C. — When reached for comment about his inclusion in the Houthi PC Small Group Signal chat, Vice President J.D. Vance admitted he was […]
News
Julio Frenk Fires Self In Compliance With UCLA’s New Anti-Diversity Hiring Policies
WESTWOOD – This morning, Julio Frenk showed his dedication to following UCLA’s new anti-diversity hiring policies by firing himself. “When I was hired, there was […]
STEM Major Still Has To Google Unit Circle
WESTWOOD — Third-year Applied Mathematics major William L’Hopital recently made sine waves last Friday when he was seen googling the unit circle in his upper-division […]
“The Democrats Ought To Do Something,” Says Democratic Lawmaker Doing Nothing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of President Trump’s recent executive orders, Democratic lawmakers unanimously decided to finally stop him as long as each registered […]
Julio Frenk Promises Undocumented Students He Will Do “Absolutely Nothing” To Help Them
WESTWOOD — After demands from the undocumented student group IDEAS for the Chancellor to meet with them, Julio Frenk has announced in a campus-wide email […]
Douchebag Dogwhistle: Avoid Men Who Use The Phrase “Walkable Cities”
WESTWOOD — Disastrous reports from the Douchebag Research Institute (the minds that broke the Patagonia-vest epidemic and “being written by a woman”) claim that the […]
UCLA Reaffirms Commitment To Free Expression By Suspending Student Protests
WESTWOOD – In a video filmed from his blue void, Chancellor Julio Frenk reaffirmed the campus’s commitment to free expression by announcing the suspension of […]
Ruh Roh! Scooby-Doo Put Down
OHIO — Tragedy struck this morning as beloved speech-impaired dog Scooby-Doo was put down. “He, like, mauled an old guy for pretending he was a […]
Heartbreaking: Newborn Really Named Kyle
JACKSONVILLE, FL — New “boy mom” Karen Shields recently shocked her Facebook friends by announcing the birth of her terribly named son, Kyle. “When my […]
