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Politics

COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]

Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head

October 26, 2020 Jessica Block 0

“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]

Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

October 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]

Trump Instructs Stimulus Package To Stand Back And Stand By

October 14, 2020 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON — In a press conference on Tuesday, President Donald Trump instructed the proposed stimulus package– which would provide financial support to the nation in […]

New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President

January 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]

Dick Cheney Finds Unlikely Success as TikTok Star

November 21, 2019 Yvonne Delzompo 0

CASPER, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney created an account on TikTok last week and credited Donald Trump as the inspiration behind his decision […]

Trump Denies Collusion, Claims To Be Ukrainian President

November 3, 2019 Alex Lewis 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appears to be firing back after being thoroughly criticized for his conversation with Volodymyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president. “Witch […]

Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group

October 29, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]

Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”

September 4, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]

Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”

August 26, 2019 Jennifer Harbeck 0

WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]

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