WESTWOOD — As the winter quarter IM season wraps up, overly competitive white boys who have never had success in real sports are experiencing the epic highs and lows of the dodgeball scene — but one stands above the rest. “The fools on the Blue Balls never stood a chance against Dodge These Ballz. We would’ve gone 3-0 if they hadn’t obviously paid off the refs,” scoffed first-year business economics major and philosophy minor Matt Scott, whose peak of sports glory was the moment he was handed his “2024 Intramural Champions” shirt, second only to a third grade Orange County Little League run many have called “generational.” “And no, I don’t participate in the fucking post-game high-fives; I take this shit seriously.” At press time, Scott was banned from all future intramural sports for abysmal sportsmanship ratings.