Western Wall Grabbed By the Crevice
JERUSALEM — On May 22, one of the holiest sites of the Abrahamic religions was allegedly accosted by a visiting tourist with incredibly small hands. […]
Politics
Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation/Counterpoint: USAC Kind Of Sounds Like Ballsack
Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation By: Janice Miller The Undergraduate Student Association Council serves UCLA through creating programs and passing […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
Arab-Israeli Conflict Resolved In YouTube Comment Section
PALESTINE ISRAEL MIDDLE EAST—Commenting on a Youtube video entitled “Best Potato Kugel Recipe,” vocal members of the internet came together last Tuesday to definitively resolve […]
Undocumented Immigrants Taking All Of Nation’s Resources, Says Study Conducted By Racist Uncle
FREMONT, CA — For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned […]
Thousands Of Red Solo Cups Displaced By War On Christmas
GENEVA — Since the beginning of Starbucks’ announced “War on Christmas” last week, thousands of red solo cups have left their homeland in fear of […]
Obama Deploys Troops To The Middle East Per Tradition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In keeping with executive tradition, President Barack Obama announced on Oct. 30 that he had authorized the deployment of ground forces in […]
President Obama Gives Congress Two-Star Yelp Review
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing Congress’s inability to pass bipartisan legislation, President Barack Obama wrote an unfavorable review of the governing body on Yelp Saturday, giving […]
Ben Carson First Neurosurgeon To Successfully Remove Own Brain
WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to boost his support among voters this past Thursday, former neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson […]