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Politics

Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done

May 26, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

Report: Judge Who Struck Down Mask Mandate Has A Great Smile

April 26, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

TAMPA — Reporters on the scene at Florida’s Middle District Federal court, where Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle recently struck down the mask mandate for public […]

Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing

March 10, 2022 Gene D. Block 0

Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]

COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]

Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head

October 26, 2020 Jessica Block 0

“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]

Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

October 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]

Trump Instructs Stimulus Package To Stand Back And Stand By

October 14, 2020 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON — In a press conference on Tuesday, President Donald Trump instructed the proposed stimulus package– which would provide financial support to the nation in […]

New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President

January 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]

Dick Cheney Finds Unlikely Success as TikTok Star

November 21, 2019 Yvonne Delzompo 0

CASPER, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney created an account on TikTok last week and credited Donald Trump as the inspiration behind his decision […]

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