BREAKING: Humanities Student Applies To Law School
WESTWOOD — UCLA has once again distinguished itself as a prestigious university following a groundbreaking move by history major Daniel Pelzman, who defied societal expectations […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
4 Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve To Register In That Class You Need To Graduate
You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up […]
Report: Use Of Word “Unprecedented” Spiking
SEATTLE — As the Omicron variant ravages through the country, top language researchers have noticed a second surge of the word “unprecedented.” “It’s as if […]
Breaking! Ackerman Bathrooms Got Cleaned!
WESTWOOD — In a historic first for UCLA, Ackerman Union’s A-Level bathrooms were cleaned on Sunday in anticipation of students not returning to campus. “We […]
Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either
LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]
Nicki Minaj Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Starship Delivery Bots Not Meant To Fly
WESTWOOD — Tears could be heard after avid Nicki Minaj fan Barbz “Bang Bang” Bass kicked a delivery bot down Tongva steps only to realize […]
Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land
WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]
4th Year Philosophy Student Incapable Of Producing Original Thought
WESTWOOD — After years of studying nothing but theory, fourth year Philosophy student Mark Li had to be informed that he was incapable of producing […]