This Can’t Be Good: US Declares Vietnam War 2
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise announcement early Thursday morning, President Joe Biden declared the Vietnam War 2. “We had two wars in Iraq. We […]
Henry Kissinger Awarded Nobel Peace Prize For Dying
OSLO – Former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for dying, as announced by the Nobel Committee […]
UCLA To Open Rendez Midwest Offering Daily Casserole Specials
MIDWESTWOOD — UCLA Dining has unveiled plans to expand its Rendezvous West & East dining halls with an extension focused on a different regional cuisine: […]
Joe Biden Pledges To Give Every IDF Soldier A Kiss On The Lips
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following increasing calls for a ceasefire since the start of the Israel-Palestine conflict, Joe Biden has declared that he will personally go […]
UCLA Football Salvages Season With Win Over Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team
ROSE BOWL — UCLA Football ended its season on a positive note following their late fourth-quarter comeback against the Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team. “What […]
Academic Weapon Commits To Pacifism
WESTWOOD – In a press release sent out at 2 a.m. today, second-year neuroscience major Pri Medd announced she would officially be laying down her […]
“What’s The World’s Smartest Dinosaur? A Thesaurus!” And 3 Other Silly Jokes About Dinosaurs And Thesauruses To Impress Your Unresponsive Father
Just a well-written joke all around! The multiple synonyms at the end really make that punchline hit hard, and your father will definitely see that […]
Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer
RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]
Ackerman Union’s Cheddar News Goes Bankrupt, Now Mozzarella Media
WESTWOOD — Cheddar News, the news channel displayed on Ackerman Union’s TVs, declared their bankruptcy today with plans to become Mozzarella Media. “Although it is […]
BPlate Unveils New “Eldritch Concoction” Dish
BPLATE CATACOMBS — UCLA Dining unveiled its latest culinary offering, the Eldritch Concoction, Sunday evening in an underground ceremony featuring fanatical chants, quinoa, and ritual […]