Winter Quarter Offers Every Goddamn Class But The Ones You Need For Your Degree
WESTWOOD — UCLA recently announced a bold new plan to offer every single class for Winter 2026– except for the ones you need to graduate […]
Japanese Newborn Named Hernández Kiké
KOBE, JAPAN — In response to the wave of Latino infants being named after Japan’s cultural exports such as Goku and Roki Sasaki, Japanese sports […]
Trump Gives 15-Year-Old Girl Apology Smooch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following new revelations about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, who he calls “the greatest pedophile of all time,” President Donald J. Trump […]
Democrats Advance Key Policy Goal of Strengthening Republican Party
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Weeks of less-than-firm resolve paid off Wednesday as Democrats forged a shutdown-ending compromise that accomplishes one of the party’s longstanding goals: strengthening […]
Opinion: I Will Not Apologize For My Phony Indie Stache
dear loyal followers, i address you today not by way of reselling my shart-stained 70s denim for $650 on grailed, or the carousel post of […]
Opinion: Rejecting Donald Trump From Art School Was A Bad Idea
Rejecting Donald Trump from art school wasn’t the best idea. Listen, I know that Donald Trump’s art is absolute dogshit. Watching Donald Trump try to […]
Opinion: Halloweekend Was For Hot Girls But Veteransdaynight Is For Us Mediocre Bitches
UCLA is full of beautiful, talented, funny, smart, and well-rounded women. I am not one of them. And that’s okay! I can clean the hell […]
Upstairs Neighbor Bad At Sex
WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, third-year biology major Cee Bat was awoken by a loud noise emanating from above her, and was forced into a […]
Rocco’s First Bar to Admit 10-Year-Old: “His ID Scanned” Claims Bouncer
WESTWOOD — Craving an apple juice on the rocks, ten-year-old James Kidd used his mom’s ID to gain entry to local bar Rocco’s Tavern last […]
Hedrick Hall Residents Commanded To Find Two Of Every Animal
WESTWOOD — Following flooding at Hedrick Hall this morning, residents have been commanded to find two of every animal through a divine email mandate from […]