Disney Acquires Rights To Nation’s History
BURBANK, CA—In an unprecedented and game changing move, The Walt Disney Company purchased the rights to the entire history of the United States from the […]
Rising Actress Cast In Strong, Bland, Cookiecutter Role
LOS ANGELES—Hot off the success of her debut film, actress Alina Benning, 21, announced her upcoming role as the strong, bland, derivative leader of a […]
Local Fish Concerned Reef Becoming Too Gentrified
THE PACIFIC OCEAN — Having slowly watched its reef whiten over the course of several years, on Thursday a local fish expressed concerns that the […]
Flint, Michigan Offers To Alleviate California Drought
FLINT, MI—Noting that there’s “plenty to go around,” Mayor Dayne Walling of Flint, Michigan announced in a press conference Jan. 19 that the city was […]
Angered Deity Smites Man Drinking From Red Starbucks Cup
WESTWOOD — Michael Burke, native resident and longtime frequenter of Starbucks Coffee, was punished with divine fury this past Monday outside a local chain after […]
Student Resents Professor’s Chinese Accent, Totally Fine With TA’s Italian Accent
WESTWOOD — According to sources, UCLA student Neil Taegan, known for openly mocking Economics Professor Hui Li’s Chinese accent, has no qualms about T.A. Sofia […]
Student Gets Head Start On Test, Asshole Status
WESTWOOD — Attempting to give himself more time on his exam Tuesday, second-year Statistics-major Mike Foster got a head start on his Math 33A final as […]
Donald Trump Calls For Santa’s Workshop To Be Relocated To US
NEW YORK CITY — At a press conference in the Trump Tower this past Thursday, Donald Trump demanded that Santa Claus relocate his workshop to […]
PETA Denounces Cruel Treatment Of Bruin Bear
WESTWOOD — Following UCLA administration’s decision to put a large protective box around the Bruin Bear statue in Bruin Plaza for “Rivalry Week,” People for […]
Undocumented Immigrants Taking All Of Nation’s Resources, Says Study Conducted By Racist Uncle
FREMONT, CA — For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned […]