ISIS Seizes Two Hundred Square Miles Of Sand

An ISIS tank kicks up dust as it rolls victoriously through the newly-captured granular stronghold.

SYRIA – In an offensive launched from northern Ar-Raqqah last night, the Islamic State seized control of a two hundred square mile stretch of uninhabited wasteland.

Leaked footage shows a man in black garb drag an ISIS flag up onto a hill, fire off his AK-47 a few times, drop the flag, and run back behind a sand dune.

Last Tuesday ISIS released a video detailing their plans to expand southward from their territory on the Turkish border. In the video a masked man holding an assault rifle explains, “By Allah’s will we will reclaim the holy land of the Bādiyat Ash-Shām, and expel it of filthy disbelievers, as soon as we find some.”

Reports indicate that ISIS patrols have scavenged three camels from their newly controlled region, and suffered seven casualties, mostly from sunburn.

Secretary of Defense, Ashton Carter, said in a statement this morning, “We are deeply troubled by this recent advance of ISIL. I fear that if successive offensive are successful, ISIL will secure an unprecedented supply of bushland, and potentially one or two wells. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are already making plans to assist the Syrian government in reclaiming the territory of, wait, I’m sorry, what did they take over again?”

This would not be the first case of a United States launched counter-offensive in a sparsely populated area. According to a study by the U.S. Marine Corp, 88% of operatives fighting against ISIS have to stop and ask for directions on their way to the front lines, and 47% just drive in a straight line through the countryside capturing anyone wearing black.

The Coalition declared this morning that it would commit an undisclosed number of bombers to the region to deliver airstrikes against the ISIS advance. Coalition Head, John Allen said, “I gave orders to bomb the first thing that shows up on thermal, because let’s be honest there probably isn’t anything else out there.”

Locals in Ar-Raqqah say that some of the battalions in the offensive are rumored to have defected to the region and set up shop as glass-blowers.

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