Local Man Mediocre Artist Despite Unhappy Childhood
WESTWOOD–Despite having an unhappy childhood, local man Stephen Hopkins, 34, is still a mediocre artist. “My parents and I moved around a lot, never really […]
Op-Ed: How ‘Bout Some Uncomfortable Small Talk As We Walk To Class?
Well, look at this. We happened to run into each other as we’re both walking to class! You know, the one that I teach and […]
Area Man Wants To Know If You’ve Watched “Arrested Development”
WESTWOOD – Local man Steven O’Brien wants to know if you’ve watched Arrested Development. “Have you seen it? I just started watching it and it’s […]
Struggling Club On Bruinwalk Starting To Sympathize With Homophobic Preacher
WESTWOOD–After only selling three potato balls in one hour, an unnamed club offering Porto’s baked goods on Bruinwalk has begun to sympathize with the homophobe […]
Op-Ed: I Am the Alpha and the Omega, I Am the Eternal by Adam Sandler
I’ve heard all the complaints a million times: “God, when will Adam Sandler stop making movies?,” “I just wish Sandler would go away. He’s not […]
Federal Court Blocks UCLA-Berkeley Meme Group Merger
WESTWOOD—A federal judge blocked a proposed merger of University of California Facebook meme groups “UCLA Memes For Sick AF Tweens” and “UC Berkeley Memes For […]
TA’s Personal Fridge Full Of Strangled Pets
WESTWOOD—After an anonymous student reported a brutalized parakeet toppling out of the fridge during office hours, UCPD discovered nearly a dozen strangled pets from a […]
Op-Ed: Cynthia, We’re Done, Please Drop 14C So I Don’t Have To
Cynthia, we’re done. I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry we broke up, but we had to. It really wasn’t working out. We’ve sorted our stuff […]
College Student Wakes Up Early, Finds Out There Are More Hours In A Day
WESTWOOD—UCLA student James Lips set his alarm for the first time during his college career and found that, surprisingly, there are more hours in a […]
Peeping Tom Catches Girl Shitting, Becomes Priest
LOS ANGELES, CA—The neighborhood “peeping tom,” Ernest Douglas, has bravely decided to change his lifestyle and become a priest after witnessing a woman violently shitting […]