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Classmate Somehow Always Surprised When His Turn To Talk In Circle

April 30, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Sources confirm that second-year fine arts student Brett Phillips is somehow always surprised when it’s his turn to participate in class conversations that follow sequential […]

Area Man Worried Waiter Should Have Written Down Order

April 30, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

LOS ANGELES—While dining at a local restaurant with several friends on Monday, area man Greg Johnson became increasingly worried when the waiter did not write […]

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Point: BU is Stinky/Counterpoint: All the Independents Have Cooties

April 30, 2017 Jessica Waite 0

Point: BU is Stinky  by Ashley Jacobson (Independent) Bruins United is stinky! I mean, look at those guys! They all share the same values and […]

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Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment

April 30, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]

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Screaming Customer Inspires Cashier to Be Better

April 30, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Sources confirm that an altercation with an infuriated customer inspired local retail worker Rachel Jefferson to be better. “It was an overwhelming personal experience, and […]

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TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice

April 30, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]

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USAC Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

April 30, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD—Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) — the country’s foremost middle-eastern foreign policy experts — announced earlier today that they had successfully negotiated […]

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Local Weirdo’s Favorite Muppet Isn’t Beaker

April 30, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Sources have recently confirmed that the favorite Muppet of Ian O’Neill, a local weirdo, isn’t Beaker. “Beaker’s alright, but no way is he my favorite,” […]

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Study: Average Person Takes At Least Three Months To Get Over Failed Relationship, Debbie, You Bitch

April 30, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–A new study conducted at UCLA has found that the average person takes at least three months to get over a failed relationship, Debbie, you […]

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Mostly-Full Water Bottles Neglected in Prime Of Lives At Airport Security

April 30, 2017 Kali Croke 0

LOS ANGELES–On its way to Chicago O’Hare, a sixteen-ounce bottle of Dasani purified water was abandoned by its owner outside LAX airport security. The water […]

Posts pagination

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  • Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

    BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

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