Op-Ed: Cynthia, We’re Done, Please Drop 14C So I Don’t Have To
Cynthia, we’re done. I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry we broke up, but we had to. It really wasn’t working out. We’ve sorted our stuff […]
College Student Wakes Up Early, Finds Out There Are More Hours In A Day
WESTWOOD—UCLA student James Lips set his alarm for the first time during his college career and found that, surprisingly, there are more hours in a […]
Peeping Tom Catches Girl Shitting, Becomes Priest
LOS ANGELES, CA—The neighborhood “peeping tom,” Ernest Douglas, has bravely decided to change his lifestyle and become a priest after witnessing a woman violently shitting […]
Kid With Big Dreams Moves To The Big City
BIG CITY, BIG STATE—Citing his desire to make something great out of himself, Stan Levinson, a nobody from an aw, shucks folksy ‘burb in the […]
Study: Your Dad Was Right
BERKELEY, CA—Scientists at UC Berkeley have just confirmed that, despite what you may have thought and still think, your dad was right. You can argue […]
USAC Passes Something, No One Cares
WESTWOOD—In an entirely unnoticed general meeting, USAC passed something. “This resolution is really going to help out the UCLA community,” said a general representative whose […]
Report: Dog Racist
LOS GATOS, CA—Local dog owner Elizabeth Juarez was stunned to learn her dog, an Australian Shepherd named Sandwich, is racist. “At first I thought he […]
Op-Ed: I Went to the Career Fair and All I Got Was This Sunburn
Ah, the career fair. Such fun! Such wonder! Like many other students, I woke up early, got dressed up in a business casual sleeveless […]
Op-Ed: You Can Fire Me, But You Can’t Stop Me From Sexually Harassing Women
Well, you’ve all heard the news by now. Laugh it up, liberals. You may have gotten me off the air and out of the public’s […]
Mother Of All Bombs Leaves Behind Husband And Six Thousand Child Bombs
ARLINGTON, VA – In the wake of her massive detonation and international fame, the mother of all bombs leaves behind the father of all bombs, […]