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Sports

P: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season / CP: His Voice Sounds Like a Frog

December 7, 2018 Drew Kreeft 0

Point: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season by BJ Kissel It really is an easy argument to make […]

BREAKING: Chip Kelly to Retire After One Game Winning Streak

October 19, 2018 Kelly Stoudemire 0

WESTWOOD — After a grueling 46 day-long career, UCLA Head Football Coach Chip Kelly has announced his retirement. “Hey, me and the boys had a […]

Student With Den Pass Realizes They’re In For Long Year

September 8, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — Area student and Den Pass holder Kayla Parklamindi realized she was in for a long year today when the UCLA football team embarrassingly […]

Former UCLA Econ Major Forced To Settle For Entry-Level Job With Poor Health Benefits

April 27, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

PHOENIX, AZ — The Enabler recently did a profile on former UCLA economics student Joshua Rosen, who had decided to drop out of UCLA. Unfortunately, […]

Report: John Wooden Statue Sucks At Basketball

March 15, 2018 Jack Lyons 0

Promising Economics Student Sadly Drops Out of UCLA

January 4, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — On Wednesday, the UCLA community was saddened when prominent economics student Joshua Rosen decided to take leave from the university. “We wish Mr. […]

LiAngelo Asks If “Steals” Can Be Added To Otherwise Poor Stat Sheet

November 7, 2017 Ross Rosenthal 0

HANGZHOU, CHINA — After being apprehended for stealing merchandise from a store in China, LiAngelo Ball was left wanting to know if these “steals” could […]

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Body Language of Bruin Mascot at Events Growing Increasingly Despondent, Depressing

February 12, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA students watched with curiosity over the past several weeks as the body language of Joe Bruin, the school’s lovable mascot who attends […]

Something Happened In Sports

February 5, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

HOUSTON, TX — On Feb. 5, something big happened at a sporting event somewhere involving some athletes and a ball. “Yeah, I just can’t believe […]

PETA Denounces Cruel Treatment Of Bruin Bear

December 1, 2015 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD — Following UCLA administration’s decision to put a large protective box around the Bruin Bear statue in Bruin Plaza for “Rivalry Week,” People for […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
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