Local Asshole Plans “Edgy” Halloween Costume
LOS ANGELES—Drawing on a combination of recent tragedies and sensitive topics, area man Eric Silva announced Sunday that his Halloween costume will serve as the […]
Campus
Addition Of New “History of Blowjobs” Class Causes Widespread Controversy
WESTWOOD—Amidst a steadily increasing tide of budget cuts, many students and faculty members have been left wondering what the future of their departments will be. Over […]
Bruin Café Introduces 3 a.m. “Hate Yourself” Meal Period
WESTWOOD—In an effort to better accommodate the eating habits of the typical college student, Bruin Café has added a new “Hate Yourself” dining period to […]
Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities
WESTWOOD—“I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the […]
Campus Wet
WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they […]
‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors
WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of […]
Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record
WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance […]
Procrastinating Sophomore Estimates He’s Only Got About An Hour Left To Play 2048
WESTWOOD—Saying “no worries, I got this,” second year Michael Hess reportedly reckons that he only has about an hour left to kill before he “really […]
Outmoded History Professor Reconnects With Students Via Vine-Based Lectures
WESTWOOD, CA — Struggling to engage his students in yet another lecture, History professor Vincent Hall implemented a new teaching method early this quarter incorporating […]
Ashe Center Doctor Diagnoses Patient as “Sick”
WESTWOOD—Earlier today, the Westwood Enabler received confirmation that a doctor working in the Ashe Center had diagnosed a student as being “sick.” According to reports, […]